ulan

Rain was pouring hard. 3:43pm - and I tried to find traces of my person in your words. I couldn't find me.

It’s been so long and I still feel like I’m only around whenever you need a good kick. But when it’s my turn to be sated, you never deliver. I don’t know why I keep on keeping on when the best you could give me are silly imaginings. How did you even manage to slip past my defenses?

I never thought I'd be too agreeable, too convenient. Not that it was your fault although you could have done more. I’m beginning to sound like him, don’t I?

And yet we are different because unlike him, I would never settle for ambiguity. Unlike him, I won’t be swallowed by the vacuum of your insatiable ego. Unlike him, I will not grant you the satisfaction of having me beg or cry. And unlike him, I will stop before things get out of hand...

But until then let me just love you in silence because like rain on a gloomy Monday, this too shall pass.

hohum napod

hohum... im bored. every idle minute's wasted on... silly/foolish thougts. and... i miss you. hahay...

nevermore

i found my way back on that spot

with a brown toad skipping about
through rusty steel fences
to claw up on rocky dirt mounds
its been hours, the orb spider stops
she has woven enough of her masterpiece
all thats left is to lie in wait
for prey to be caught in her trap
a sudden gust of wind flies
and makes its presence known to all
harrassing the greenery about
still the defiant tree stands
for the life of me, i wonder
how far can the toad climb its mountain?
how long will the spider's web hold?
how much can the tree bend before it breaks?
why do they never wail in protest?
their patience is great
but mine has run out
because no stars shone in the moonsea
save for one that fell on me
only to snuff out the last of my light
so for those of you headed this way
know the travails to come
throw yourselves in the midst of danger
but keep one eye open at night

death of her

everyday she used to think about you
even when you didn't fit anywhere in her life
but how could you smile now
now when the answer in her mind has gone stale
for that question you never risked to ask
she's reminded of how you left her cold
when all she wants is to forget
purged and killed your person
torn and ripped you off of her chest
you shouldn't be here
and with your advance, she steels herself
praying to be kept from your illusions
and that when she leaves to take another form
she chooses to be anything in her next life
but an elephant who remembers her dead

this is her story

She feels like crying to attain some sense of justice but all she could ever muster was a heavy heart with a fainting beat. She wonders if he matters enough, enough for tears to spill from her welling eyes. When she looks at him, who she sees makes her tomorrows but when he looks at her, all he ever finds is a friend. And after a long time of staring into space, she throws me a question, ‘when will I ever weep for that which never existed from the start?’

I fall silent.

He only wants her the way he wants her. He is the sea and like sand on the shore, she wants to be a part of him, completely. Pushed away and pulled back again, she rises up, breaks and falls, forever…

'I love him, ardently,' she says. I felt that word, once. I know this story all too well.

And as if on cue the moonless sky mimics what our hearts seek to hide. 'Its raining. There goes your answer,' I finally reply.

I sip my coffee, hoping to achieve a moment's peace in a cup. All is still.

'What shall happen tonight?'

a halloween story

You are a spirit that sprung out of a chance encounter. It’s curious how I’m the only one to see you when we both float in circumstances shared by many others. That’s why all I could make out are pieces that never fall into place. But what I do know is this; we are the same you and I, ghosts, bound to empty husks forever playing out an unfinished score, a song carrying a hollow tune that never reaches past the twisted note seated next to finality. Yet somehow, very much like an echo that can’t be ignored, yours overpowered mine and it pierced through the anonymity that we anxiously protect. And now that is all that resounds in the haunting where I subsist.

It saddens me to see your beautiful form in unrest, drowned in violent waves that incessantly crash against an unmoving cliff. Yes, I tried to pull you out of your desolation but when I did, a blink was all it took for my hand to easily fly through yours. I knew what was coming for we are numb creatures who would rather spin a broken record than yield to the mended piece. But if your absolution is my song’s meaning then I'll find a way...

I have fallen mute to the world but it matters not because no man will ever find reason why a ghost means to touch a ghost.

Clock

Timer stops now.

No.

But why?

Maybe because you’re the only one around…

I want to treat you differently but you don’t plan on having that realized, do you?

Let’s play it by ear.

I guess you’re too confident to admit anything, knowing that I’ve been waiting on you. Aren’t you tired because I’m getting there fast?

Ambiguity is fine with me.

It once was. You keep me guessing. That’s all you could ever give me... I wish I knew your face so that you’ll no longer be a stranger to me. But I will have to settle with this, don’t I?

I don’t know.

Stars fall, you know and I’m hanging on for yours... Oh well, if not in this lifetime there’s always the next. Won’t you say goodbye and get this over with?

You’re funny.

And you once said that you’re amused with making some people bleed. Am I on that same list because if I am, I’m an ounce close to drying out?

*sighs*

It’ll be a year in three months. Why don’t you make those hands tick faster so that I’ll get there sooner?

…

Please rid me of this illusion, so I wouldn’t have to ask questions you’d never answer.

sorta goodbye

Yes, i am the wind,
flying past one desert to another.
and you are the Bedouin, burnt dry,
yet too proud to wash yourself with me

I would have been the one carrying the rain,
water that would quell your long drought.
But never given that chance,
I am spent.

I will run past dunes and sandstorms, again,
when i would've wanted to stay a bit longer.
Still, I am content at that one shot
of having been able to cool your parched soul.

I have lingered enough in your oasis
and so with flight i will find closure.
And though the relief i could’ve given is rare,
those days are gone.


***

its funny how you spurred me to draw near although the nearest i could get was still too far to see your face yet close enough to see your chains. i would've unchained you if you wanted me to but you didn't. i guess i'll never be the boy who'll set you free. now, i'm so far from home but i haven't gone anywhere.

=====

this post is long overdue. i am happy (?)

sanamanipud

it seems that the only option i have right now is to wait for that star with your name to fall. please make this easier for me.

thought cloud

don't you notice how im beginning to retrace my steps?
sad, isn't it?
that you're gone and i'm walking back.

mumblings on a gray thursday

somehow, you managed to disarm me.

but i won't let you take that open blow.

now nobody wins,

until you give me a good reason to take a plunge.

and when that time comes...

even if ill make the sloppiest dive,

i'd still think i won the gold.

not that i'll ever qualify.

what if...

it was just you and me, with our hushed tones. and yes, the probing wind who hastily freed our secrets to sleeping trees and crickets busy playing music. despite the charcoal sky's constant stirring, we lingered, only to lend our ears and our hearts. even with the citrus-smoke and the riotous rustling of shrews, everything fell under unanimity for us.

peering over resplendent lights with you on that hill, that's how it was, how it should be. thank you for making me wish that time would stop on fancied moments...

listen, how strange the sound.

when

i can no longer find the shooting stars and pale hearts that only show their form to us. dragon's breath dont mean much when i'm not with you. why the distance? drink and find yourself here, with me. but when?

listen.

every idle minute i waste on you.

alcohol aftershock

please tell me this isn't what i think it is.

shit. addict. shit.

this should never have happened.

this isnt right.

i wont talk. i wont make a sound, not even a squeak.

i musn't let them know that i'm weak.

linger on.

i will purge you soon.

leche.

when?