clarity

*i live.

*sun shines brightly and he sees me flash with a light that rivals his own.

*happy for finding me ablaze neath his joyous warmth, he persuades me to burn with as much intensity as he has, free with but one limit.

*i oblige, so i play, i laugh, i dance, i sing, with a smile plastered on my face.

*farewell and he's off to places faraway.

*now moon flies, i stop.

*no more games, laughter, dances, songs or smiles to show.

*in deep contrast to the ebony sky, i simply stare up at her, feeling her peaceful glow . . . because she allows me to.

*grinning, she sees through me, knowing my heart yearns for more.

*she offers me illumination and how i wish that this'll be forever but she dives back beneath the waves.

*i twitch for sun comes.

*i ready myself to please him.

*he lets me do all, except for one . . . i want to look up but cannot.

*i once did in a past forgotten, and he punished me for my defiance.

*i cede yet eager for moon to rise because however fierce he blazes, his radiance doesn't compare to hers.

*as always i laugh, i dance, i sing, i smile . . . with my lifeless eyes and shadowed heart.

*satisfied, he leaves.

*moon rises and with her faint luminosity, i see and feel again . . .

*she grins and i answer with a deep gaze, happy.

faith

x: u think He'll approve of that? i mean, we’ve asked a lot of things from Him and He always answers them.. and here i am, stretching my limit, wanting to commit more mistakes. dont u find me such an ingrate?

y: NO. definitely not. the nature of man is something scholars have defined using their own God-given reason to set bounds and limits to the world, to put a formula to the mystery of life, to make it sound simpler and to reduce it to predictability and simplicity in spite of its true complexity

x: does that make me free to run out of pure impulse?

y: WHAT REALLY MATTERS is how you deal with others. i am an idealist, as i've told u before, and not...basta, the one who learns and thinks by experience. i still believe in experience though but i believe that God judges us by our deeds and actions, but what we believe we have contributed and what we believe we have sacrificed for his sake. by what.. no human definition or description can match the power of the human spirit :) believe that you are good :)

x: true, but then again, people have been defined and squished to a sorry pulp. if what u say is right, then why am i unsure that ill be satisfied with the outcome? it might just open up a pandora's box of trouble and ill be dealing with a new set of harsher/tougher problems

y: coz u havent let go of society's chauvinism. its like being tied down by material possessions. after all, those are still concerns of the earthly world. think beyond the textbook and into the bible where all good deeds flow

x: how can one be good when people will ultimately judge him evil? what is one’s worth if he is unappreciated? i mean how can i compensate for my weaknesses? what can i do? who can i be? when im just me..

y: u always think too much. your concerns will eat u alive. why not let go of those WHAT IFs coz none of them are certain namn and jst live your life the way you want to. life is too short and sweet to be wasted worrying bout others. think of it as another ordinary defect. If there’s somebody ugly in the world, well, that's ur defect coz it makes u imperfect for some but totally lovable for everyone else. no one's perfect and u cnt please everyone. the least u could do is be the most adorable friend, anak, mentor, being. In the deed sense ah..

x: yeah... i should know my parameters, what I’m capable of and work out from there. make the best out of what's been given me. but i want much. This might just be my crappiest period.

y: hehe.. what's with the crappy mood? u got other problems?

x: well, i cant pick them apart!

y: we all have our selfish motives but too much ambition at the wrong time might leave us racing for nothing. well how bout loving urself FIRST. it always starts with that :)

x: how can i do that when i find myself LACKING?

y: hehe :) but really, i dnt knw why u are who you are, the same way i am who i am. i see my flaws and acknowledge them. but ive long accepted that i am too loved and blessed by God to magnify what i lack rather than count what i have abounding. when God makes his list, it wnt have popular belief in the criteria. jst u and Him

x: wer are u getting all this?

y: FAITH :) one only needs faith to believe. when u come to think of it, when u put God in the center of your life, things jst fall into perspective coz he gives no reason for pessimism and he is the reason for a good life. so u up to smiling na and living your life with a brighter perspective? :)

x: i have been doing that! in fact i wake up everyday thanking Him without fail. for very shallow reasons but im very thankful.. i have HIM to thank for getting me this far even though i feel like im spiraling down cynicism

y: which should stop you from worrying coz u have more to be grateful for :)

x: like what? Lol dont know what's been keepin me up. Oh, there's you for one! But i dont think i have a steady support system to begin with soooooooo thank u for bearing with me

y: that you got a good family, friends, a full stomach, the stuff you want, the opportunity to watch tv, laugh at jokes, go out at night, even see the city which not everyone gets to see (even i miss it)

x: hahahaha... one will only know wat's truly beautiful when it's no longer there

y: exactly. its all opportunity cost. if you gain some you lose some :) you cnt have the world u know

blabber

the clouds will part to answer my prayer.

on that day, i will know who you are.

the perfect mate for my soul.

fly

Don't give me any worth. Don't hold me important. Don't find me valuable. I am of no significance to you.

You don't see me. I'm just a gust of wind that's out to make it's presence felt even for just a moment, knowing that it won't make a lasting impression. Ever fleeting, never permanent. You can't touch me. I'm not even here. I fly, now goodbye.

killer

For the sake of being righteous you jump into this hole thinking its the best thing to do, the right thing. You dig deeper, gaining momentum, the drive feeds you, that is until you realize that it isnt easy. You feel weak knowing that you cant keep at it forever, that you wish to go back with the rest of them and their passion for realizing shadowed desires. Just when you thought you should crawl back out, it dawns on you that you're way down, deep down. It falls on you like a heavy blanket, suffocating, hot, and unbearable. You squirm to break free but there's no escape. You're there disturbed and dying inside and the rest of the world doesn't seem to notice. Mute.

Abstinence kills. No wonder I'm miles beneath the ground.

heaven

First stick.
"All I want is to feel this way
To be this close, to feel the same
All I want is to feel this way
The evening speaks, I feel it say..."
There I was, up alone on a lonely hill that overlooked a small city, and those lines kept on ringing in my head. I’m not sure why my subconscious chose to sing that song but it was a clear declaration of how I wanted that moment to be.. just as it was. Solitary.
Lights down below flickered on and off as smoke billowed in front of me, teasing me to follow its flight. It was tempting but it was never my style to be that impulsive, especially when all was perfectly silent. Bliss, I thought, up until heat bit my lips. And so I took out another piece hoping that I could make it last much longer.
Second stick.
Isolation intrigues me - Not caring, not living for others, and not being entitled to protect other people's feelings but yourself. If only it was that easy, how perfect life would be for me. Distancing myself from others would save me a great deal of anxieties. That’s why I don’t blame people who chose to escape reality because it's mighty hard to keep sanity amidst mental and emotional vexation.
Vague thoughts raced round my head but a sound broke the silence of which I relished. A car driven by an old man slowly lurched towards where I was situated, deliberately disturbing my solitude. I inhaled hard to dispose of the very object that kept me from wandering off into my deepest thoughts. Finished. Displeased and wanting to leave I motioned to stand but then the car left just as sudden as it appeared. Perhaps, he too wanted seclusion. A bit annoyed of his indecisiveness, yet thankful for respecting my privacy, I sat back down and drew out another one.
Third stick.
Burn. I puffed and relaxed myself back down. I breathed in and breathed out and soon, clouds spun around my head. Now dizzy, I stared blankly at the sad night sky. There were no stars and no moon to watch over me. Not that it matters. This was what I wanted anyway. I was half-way through the so-called cancer stick when a couple riding a motorcycle parked close by. I guess I was lost in the darkness of the sky and with the smoke that playfully danced above me. I knew it was time to leave and spare myself from the mushiness this couple brought along with them. I burned out the ember and hurriedly walked past the two, wearing a complacent smile on my face, as if telling them that it was their turn to make use of my spot.
I got on the car and sped down the hill. Driving round the many hushed streets that riddled the city, I drove past men and women who must be searching for that same thing I am. Everybody shares the same dream but move towards it in different ways. I didn’t know how far or how close they were in reaching this and I never bothered to overanalyze maybe because I was too intoxicated or that I’m just plain indifferent.
As I closed in on home I felt smug knowing that I just found my own piece of heaven, with a lighter and a cigarette on that lonely hill that overlooked a small city...

stars

to A:

you are a mystery to me and I to you, complete strangers to one another. but at the back of my mind, I can feel your stare. you have piqued my interest yet i know it's best to leave things as they are. deadlocked by distance, restrained by doubt. for what it's worth, let it remain etched in the midnight sky among stars. you may not see it my way... but i hope you comprehend.

i am left in the middle. and i opt to stay that way. regret is imperative but i only wish to save you from my frustrations. i would be lying if i said i had no intentions of gving it a shot, and in truth i want to try but trying might only push me deeper into hopelessness. i pray that the fates be good to you and that you might fare better than i have.

Only When I Sleep

You're only just a dreamboat
Sailing in my head
You swim my secret oceans
Of coral blue and red
Your smell is incense burning
Your touch is silken yet
It reaches through my skin
And moving from within
It clutches at my breast


But it's only when I sleep
See you in my dreams
You got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But I only hear you breathe

Somewhere in my sleep
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But its only when I sleep


And when I wake from slumber
Your shadow's disappear
Your breath is just a sea mist
Surrounding my body
I'm workin' through the daytime
But when it's time to rest
I'm lying in my bed
Listening to my breath
Falling from the edge
But it's only when I sleep


See you in my dreams
You got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But I only hear you breathe

Somewhere in my sleep
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But its only when I sleep
It's only when I sleep


Up to the sky
Where angels fly
I'll never die
Hawaiian High
In bed I lie
No need to cry
My sleeping cry
Hawaiian High


It's reaching through my skin
Movin' from within
Clutches at my breasts
But it's only when I sleep....


See you in my dreams
You got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But I only hear you breathe

Somewhere in my sleep
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But its only when I sleep


Up to the sky
Where angels fly
I'll never die
Hawaiian High
In bed I lie
No need to cry
My sleeping cry
Hawaiian High


~I heard this from some crummy internet cafe. It's the song that best describes how I feel at this moment minus the "clutching" part. :P

Why

I was sitting beside Y-U on a pile of bricks (How unromantic, I know!), and we were talking with candor. It felt good talking with Y-U, the feeling you get when you're all giddy and excited, playing with your first pet dog. When all of a sudden the atmosphere got all cheesy. It wasn't long until Y-U advanced into more "delicate" matters. Out of the discussion Y-U asked for a kiss. And so I complied, with force. We were both caught off-guard with what just happened but it felt good. We talked on and on until a warm gust of wind reached me. Just as I entertained the warmth, it vanished as fast as it came about, and then I opened my eyes only to find out that it was just a dream.

I know it's cheesy and it had to be the weirdest dream of my life since I first became conscious. Im clueless as to how Y-U managed to fit in and the reason why I called this person Y-U since the first question that sprang into my mind right after I woke up was "Why you?" Y-U's been out of my mind for so long and Im baffled how "this" came about. We never had a deep connection and all this time I treated Y-U as just another "friend," up until this. The scary thing is, I wanted to get back to that dream.. if only to find myself with Y-U again. I know it's close to impossible for this to happen in reality but I can't help but wonder. If only I can run back to my dreams to sate this longing.

What is my subconscious telling me? I guess the things Ive been running away from have finally caught up with me and manifested into this very dream. Strange... I dont know how to address this and all I can come up are questions. Maybe I've fooled myself all this time? Maybe I've been a hypocrite all these years? Maybe just maybe... I'm better off freeing myself from these shackles I've carried with me ever since. If only it were that easy, I would have done it a long time ago.

I wish to dream again, if only to find myself back in that same picture. Let me delve into thoughts free of worry and tensions that stem from this harsh world. I know kids are best left with this but what is there to lose if I wish for dreams to come true?

happy

we talked. we laughed. we said our goodbyes. it was tempting not to leave but i did, if only to make myself look unattached. it may be all for naught but i am happy even for just this moment . . .

Deliverance

Here you are again.
I can feel you breath down my neck.
Whispering her name while whistling those killer melodies.
You give me a face of an angel like you once had.
And I am nothing but a creature of habit running away in circles,

But I was found by this person that flew me up high.
Now I see clearly, I'm telling you to let go of me.

Now that I've found my way back home, where I belong.
No longer a slave running away in circles
because I've been found by this person, who flew me high.

Get out of my head.
Get out of my soul.
Get out my dreams.
Get out of my house.
Get out of my life.

Get out. Get out. Get out. (Repeat)
No longer a slave…

No longer a slave running away in circles
because I've been found by this person, who flew me high. (repeat)

~In love with the words that form out the feeling . . .

running

"Running"

Run
Running all the time
Running to the future
With you right by my side

Me
I'm the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most
I'm so sorry that I'm falling
Help me up lets keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love

[Chorus:]
Running, running
As fast as we can
Do you think we'll make it?
(Do you think we'll make it?)
We're running
Keep holding my hand
It's so we don't get separated

Be
Be the one I need
Be the one I trust most
Don't stop inspiring me
Sometimes it's hard to keep on running
We work so much to keep it going
Don't make me want to give up

[Repeat chorus twice]

(The future)

[Repeat chorus]

~Where to now?

Sea of blue

I swim. Deeper into the blue that you threw me into. You gave me a headstart. I felt like I was in control, as if, I was the one driving the wheel. I loved it. You gave me the chance to taste what it was like to be mature and you taught me to take on steady strokes. I swam and I never tired of swimming, up until now.

You made me believe that i was quite the charmer, of wit and coyness, a boy. Everybody says so but when it comes from you it's "just" different, you indulged in my childishness because you saw something more than that. or was it, what you wanted me to believe? I made you think that it was all a game for me, that nothing serious will surface from this. And it was what I intended it to be, but you unknowingly changed the rules for me. I obliged and followed your stride. I had fun playing with you, and just when I thought I grew out of playing, you left. Without any explanation you left me in the very middle of things just when I was sure you'll help me across, right when I was clinging on to you to help me through this.

I was scared, puzzled, helpless. But then, I had to be strong. I met people along the way who were motivated by the same objective of finding a way across. They thought I could help them through this. They had confidence in what I could do for them, when all the while I never found that in me because I still felt like a child gripping on to an entity who's no longer there for me to look up to. I avoided forming intimate relationships with others because I didnt want to fail you, and too proud to prove to you that I could make it on my own. I was so focused on you that I lost sight of people who could've filled in the hole that you made. I hurt people even though it wasnt my real intention but I'll just have to deal with that. Let them hate me for those reasons because I know I just saved them from bigger pain, me.

I used to pity people who continue to root for their false hopes and with the way things turned out I became another one down that very list. Oh, the irony of things.

Maybe I am clinging on an empty dream one where you'll pull me out of the sea of blue you put me in to. And so here I am. Still waiting. Still swimming. Im tired but I continue to hope . . .

ire

it hurts having to hurt people. it hurts some more that they continue hurting for the love of you. how long will I get on with this? when will you find me? up until there are a host of others in my wake?

inner smile

(one, two, three, four)
Yeh, yeh
Yeh, yeh
Yeh, yeh
Yeh, yeh
Yeh, yeh
Yeh, yeh
Oh yeh

You gave me something
Like loving
And took me in so soon
You took my feelings
From nothing
Came back at noon
Just meet me
I’m ready
To show myself to you

So if I lose my patience
You must try to understand
(try to understand)
If I lose my patience
Oh yeh

Cause you make me feel
Cause you make me feel wild
You touch my inner smile
You got me in the mood
So come on and make your rule
And free me

You make my wishes
As much as
Your kisses make me blue
You’ve found my river
Now will you
Escape away too
But baby
I’m ready
I’m falling into you

So if I lose my patience
You must try to understand
(try to understand)
If I lose my patience
Oh yeh

Cause you make me feel
Cause you make me feel wild
You touch my inner smile
You got me in the mood
So come on and make your rule
And free me

Free me
Free me
Wow wow wow
Wow wow wow
Wow yeh

Cause you make me feel wild
You touch my inner smile
You got me in the mood
So come on and make your rule
And touch my inner smile

Come get my inner smile
Smile
Smile
Yeh yeh

Sometimes I need to be alone
There’s times I need for you to phone
Sometimes you make me feel so high
There’s times I ask myself why
Sometimes I need to be alone
There’s times...

---

It's just a song I'm singing. But really, who will get to touch my inner smile?

fresh

It's 2005 and yes, I continue to wait for that which will break down the shield that has crippled me from moving on to a better life, a life that may really be worth living. The very shield that I had put up to protect me from the harshness of the world around me has become the sole prison that i seek release from. It's funny how the mechanism that has guarded me for so long ended up being my greatest weakness.

The new year spells change and fresh beginnings. I believe so. And yet, here I am thinking, hoping with lack of action, wallowing in the stagnant pool that I consider as my universe. The irony. And so I swim until that which will disturb my world arrives.

Hey, don't make me wait too long... it does get tedious you know. I've been at it all my life.

i am the dandy

Most of us feel trapped within the limited roles that the world expects us to play. We are instantly attracted to those who are more fluid that we are - those who create their own persona. Dandies excite us because they cannot be categorized, and hint at a freedom we want for ourselves. They play with masculinity and femininity; they fashion their own physical image, which is always startling. Use the power of the Dandy to create an ambiguous, alluring presence that stirs repressed desires.

Symbol: The Orchid. Its shape and colour oddly suggest both sexes, its odour is sweet and decadent - it is a tropical flower of evil. Delicate and highly cultivated, it is prized for its rarity; it is unlike any other flower.

What Type of Seducer are You?

once again, i find myself in a box.

sick

When you think of your past love, you may view it as a failure.
But when you find a new love, youview the past as a teacher.
In the game of love, itdoesn't really matter who won or who lost.
What is important is you know when to hold on and when to let go.
You know you really love someone when you want him or her to be happy.
Even if their happiness means that you're not part of it.
Everything happens for the best.
If the person you love doesn't love you back, dont be afraid to love someone else again, for you'll never know unless you give it a try.
You'll never love a person you love unless you risk for love.
Love strives in hurting.
If you don't get hurt, you don't learn how to love.
Love doesn't hurt all the time, though the hurting is still there to test you, to help you grow.
Don't find love, let love find you.
That's why it's called falling in love because you don't force yourself to fall.
You just fall.
You cannot finish a book without closing its chapters.
If you want to go on, then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages.
Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress.
It is a lifetime venture in which we are always learning, discovering and growing.
The greatest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go.
We lose someone we love only when we are destined to find someone else; one who can love us even more than we can love ourselves.
On falling out of love, take some time to heal and then get beckon the horse.
But don't ever make the same mistake of riding the same one that threw you the first time.
To love is to risk rejection; to live is to risk dying, to hope is to risk failure.
But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
To reach for another is to risk involvement, to expose your feelings is to expose your true self.
To love is to risk not to be loved in return.
How to define love: fall but do not stumble, be constant but not too persistent, share and never be unfair, understand and try not to demand, hurt but never keep the pain.
Love is like a knife.
It can stab the heart or it can carve wonderful images into the soul that always last for a lifetime.
Love is supposed to be the most wonderful feeling.
It should inspire you and give you joy and strength.
But sometimes the things that give you joy can also hurt you in the end.
Loving people means giving them the freedom who they choose to be and where they choose to be.
For all the heartaches and the tears, for gloomy days and fruitless years, you should give thanks for you know, that they were the things that have helped you grow.
Loving someone means giving him the freedom to find his way.........whether it leads towards you or away from you. ....
Love is a painful risk to take but the
risk must be taken no matter how scary or painful, for only then that you'll experience the fullness of humanity and that is love.
Only love can hurt your heart, fill you with desire, and tear you apart.
Only love can make you cry and only love knows why.
If you're not ready to cry, if you're not ready to take the risk, if you're not ready to feel the pain, then you're not ready to fall in love.
There was a time in our lives when we became afraid to fall in love.
Because every time we do, we get hurt.
We fall out of love but it's unfair not 2 give love another chance.
B4, it may hurt but this time, it may be the kind of love that is meant 4 us...
The love that may last 4ever....
The love that will bind two hearts 2gether and give pure joy to 2 souls longing 4 each other....
Now, tell me...are u in love?

---

Whoever wrote this is a sure romantic. and no im not in love but it is tempting... I just found it funny how people can be this.. romantic. well for the one who wrote this, good for you! I might as well be realistic and drop this nonsense. Bah! love is a waste of energy and time.

Woe is me. I have lost passion.

insomnia

yippee!! it's exactly 2:59am in my clock and i'm still up. im too bored to sleep and im too tired to do anything but waste time. im not moving any bit on the positive.

factors:

it sucks hurting people when not meaning to. and when i do hurt people on purpose i feel less burdened, amused even. release. the irony of things.

a lot of things have been dragging me to their own ends.. i dont know wether they're pulling me toward the right or wrong direction. im in such a bind and i feel so helpless. and yet, i dont want to do anything about it.

im so detached from my former self. is this a good thing or a bad thing? can it be both? ack! it's tearing me apart. i dont know how to react. i feel.. helpless and it sickens me.

being weak sucks. but wearing a mask and acting as if ur under control is worse. it was never my intention to pull people down with me. it may have given me this sense of controlling the wheel but it demanded a huge amount of responsibility.. with what, i dont know. im not good with responsibilities. im not good with commitments. im not good with anything but slowing people down so i can feed off their youth.. their innocence.. their sincerity.. it nourishes me.

i am losing my favourite game. and what's worse is, nobody's there to see me fall.

hmmm.. and i just realized that insomnia can be contagious.

oh well.. im back. back to pretending as if everything's fine.. when it's not. find me

missing

I want to keep this blog thing going on but I just don't know what to put in here. I'm just whiling away my time aimlessly, hoping I'll find myself in a place where I don't have to aggravate the tediousness. I sorely miss an intelligent conversation. Anybody up for the challenge? It has been an unproductive day, heck everyday of my life is. This covers up everything I have to say at the moment. I lack motivation so let me get some.