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something's missing

mercy

i've been a refugee for weeks now. out of the goodness of their hearts (naks!), my good friends have smuggled me in while i'm still unsettled. many thanks guys! still, i am the very embodiment of a freeloader. pakapalan na ng mukha. demn. :P but my current host will soon be unburdened with my presence because come saturday i'm finally moving to this spacious apartment that makes me feel closest to home. awww... and from the original rent of 10k per month, further negotiations brought it down to P8,500! beat that! i'm so excited! there better be no delays because i can't afford another day in this condo. my days here have been a constant struggle NOT to spend my allowance on trivial stuff in the nearby malls... grrrr... but more often than not, i surrender to pure impulse. hehehe... i bought 6 new clothes in less than a week, which is more than my usual yearly wardrobe upgrade of 4 clothes. maygarsh! thanks to a particular store's clearance sale, 50% off on good items is just too tempting to pass up. tough! and i got myself a shorter do so goodbye long, unruly, lion's mane-ish hair. and guess how much it cost me! 1... 2... 3... giving up? p25o for a friggin' haircut! all thanks to my companion's insistence. classy salon my arse. but i'm pretty satisfied with my new mane. hayyyy... it's just that back home, i could get a good cut for less than p100. what else ate away my money? hrmmm... oh yes, going to the movies and my nightly dose of caffeine in the many coffee places that dot the vicinity. grrrr... just thinking of how much of my allowance got sucked up is making my head spin. enough.

i can't wait for the weekend to come... huhuhu... so many things to do by then. other than cleaning the new place, i have to get the following; a good mattress, huge fluffy pillows, electric fan (preferably an industrial fan. lol), rice cooker, electric kettle (kyowa?), gas stove, toiletries, throw pillows, carpet, plates, and lots of noodles/pancit canton! :P hey you. yes you! do notify me if i missed out on anything important or better yet provide me with the said items. nyahaha... just kidding. no, seriously. :D

if i don't hold back on thursday and friday, i'm sure i'll run short on cash for the downpayment. maygarsh!!! the horror! :(( 2 more days... 2 more days that could prove disastrous if spent in malls. huhuhuhu... if you're generous enough, do send me money. interested? just drop a message with your email so i can give you my bank account number. have a heart man! lol.

i sound like a friggin beggar. darnit. hahahaha... i don't care. that's just how it is. no matter, from here on things can only get better and better and better. *im crossing my fingers AND toes* :P

and to think that i'm still taking the first step. landing a good job would be next. *sigh* this is all too familiar. a repeat of 2006. what if i never left? what would've happened? i'd like to think that close to 12 months of bumhood wasn't such a waste, that it served a bigger purpose, even though i'm already a year behind my batchmates. hayyy... i won't be making the same mistakes as before. i mustn't because i can't afford to. focus, elvin. focus.

oh God help me. God bless us all!

somebody give me a kitkat

i don't know why i waste my time. i'm putting myself through so much strain than i need to be. many things have been spoken, more so are left undone.

while its one thing to be compassionate and another to be indulgent, i never saw the difference then. now i know it all too well.

i just want to save the world but i'm snowed under.

wapak!

i feel sorry for superheroes, especially when they hafta put others first before themselves. why do they have to be burdened with that responsibility? its not like they chose to be born that way! can't people at least be thankful that they use their powers for good and not think of it as a mass privilege. others say that's what they have to deal with because that's what they're supposed to do - their purpose. but when will they ever have the time to do what they want and not do what others want them to? yes, superheroes save the day (everyday) but hey.. give em some slack. i don't know about you, but they deserve a day off since i'm sure, that in the back of their minds, they're itching to have some r&r. vacation, anyone? what's a day or two to take matters in our own hands AND not dial the superheroes-do-it-for-ya hotline, ryt?

i know it's a bit off topic but i was watching naruto (ninjas this time. hehe..) and i remembered an early episode when sasuke was unconscious (he looked like a human pin cushion after battling with haku) and sakura was trying mighty hard to hold back her tears (but ofcourse being the sissy that she is, she cried eventually). why'd she push herself not to cry you ask? you see, it's in their handbook - rule number 25 states that the mission comes first, being attached/giving in to emotions is a no no. this is a fairly important guideline for em maybe because it enables them to think rationally/unclouded. right, right! it's the most logical option but hey, one can't have the mind rule all of the time. honestly, no human can live up to that credo... i know i can't! why is it that some people allow themselves to be dictated by the "mission?"

i'm not getting anywhere, am i? those are the only analogies i could ever think of. garsh, i suck. hehehe... the fact of the matter is, i'm no superhero/ninja and yet i sure feel like i have a lot on my already aching shoulders. i may not be as passionate as superheroes or as zealous as ninjas, but hey, i do have superheroic/ninjaesque tendencies. God, help! i can't be this semi-mindless robot forever. i need a break, a KITKAT (i'll have them make a mega-sized variant that'll take a full year to gobble up)! if not then i'll have my kunai at the ready and it just might go flying your way, or would you rather have kinetically charged cards at you? choose your pick. pfffft... i would give anything just to fly right now. wait, im not that desperate yet. anything. something, maybe.

before all of this dawned on me i was uploading a few songs for my bolt account. you might find something attuned to your tastes (but i'm not counting on it) so check it out if you must.

o-yasumi nasai! ohayou! whatever.

this is old

What makes a man so weak that he leads himself into his own undoing? Where can one find the power to keep everything on his calloussed palm? Whose hand plays the most critical role in spinning our life-thread?

Excuse the silly queries of one who's being swallowed by the ebb of maturity. Allow me to play along with life's drama and have me pretend that all is in its proper place.

I do not wish to disturb you with these words full of odious density but if thats the case then let me leave you with this... dont u ever dream of going back in time when everything was simple and anything that comes with "complex" wasn't even in your faintest interests? Back to being children - all fun and games. *hohum*

Mapping out one's life isn't the easiest thing to work out and getting to where you're supposed to be going is just as frustrating, more even. I guess reaching that state of happiness, true and genuine happiness, one that transcends and overshadows the problems that constantly pervade my lifespace, is the most pressing issue I have right now.

These fragmented thoughts will become whole sooner or later, held together with the strongest super glue I can find, that I'm sure of. Be it a person, a cause, an experience, or what have you...

It will come when it will come, that's what I keep telling myself. Hahay...

finish your papers

look at the universe and take out a slice. yes, you're still an inconsequential part of that chunk of matter. think for a moment and detach yourself from the whole. see yourself in a non-pluralized level. grow bigger than the space given you. gestaltism doesn't work.
the only thing stopping you now from superceding the universe are your pesky assignments. tiny steps boy, steady steps.

panic

I jumped in and a blast of humid air greeted my descent. Walking away from where I fell, I pushed forward, fully aware that there's no turning back. I mindlessly followed the yellowish glow that hovered ahead of me and along it's path, dark figures took form - skulls, snakes, webs and spiders. The shadows toyed with my imagination. Faster and faster, the light sped forth. Excited, I quickened my pace. Not fast enough. I stopped to breathe hard but a nauseating plethora of strange scents deterred me from doing so. Falling short on breath, I took my time, slowly advancing deeper into the darkness, unfazed. With every step, the walls pushed down on me, up until I was on all fours, with my face close to the ground. Up, down, up, down, i climbed. Drained of energy and drenched in my own sweat, panic finally hit me with its lethal blow. It pushed me to surrender as I lay there, frozen. Trapped. And yet down to my very last breath, I knew there was hope and it didnt take long for my silent prayer to be answered. As if on cue, that familiar glow materialized and washed away the fear that surfaced in its absence. Saved, i lurched straight towards it. But no matter how hard I tried to get close, it just floated on, oblivious of my eager pursuit. That went on and on until a fierce light swallowed us both.

It's official, I'm a cave-crawler.

the greatest of fools

finding convenience in what's convenient for someone else is madness so why compromise? simply because you are compelled to, as if the universe itself pushes you to know what it means to be human in its very essence.
resist or fight if you must but in time you will become one with the rest of them, fools. but there are greater fools, those who do not see the arrows sticking out of their shell. the greatest of which, runs all the while knowing its bound to get caught. that's who i am.
will i tire of this you ask? will i sip that dreaded cup of insanity just like the rest of them?
not just yet.

feeling

    who says im not capable? i see it all too often without having to be inside the bubble and that alone makes me a candidate for having an unbiased opinion. phenomology. give me some credit. but then again, i want to understand, and to fully understand one must experience. so let me be a hypocrite in saying this, i want to be biased.
    when will i ever give myself the chance to be irrational and lose my struggle for rationality? to subject myself to the rawest of its forms, surrender, and ultimately revel in emotions.

faith

x: u think He'll approve of that? i mean, we’ve asked a lot of things from Him and He always answers them.. and here i am, stretching my limit, wanting to commit more mistakes. dont u find me such an ingrate?

y: NO. definitely not. the nature of man is something scholars have defined using their own God-given reason to set bounds and limits to the world, to put a formula to the mystery of life, to make it sound simpler and to reduce it to predictability and simplicity in spite of its true complexity

x: does that make me free to run out of pure impulse?

y: WHAT REALLY MATTERS is how you deal with others. i am an idealist, as i've told u before, and not...basta, the one who learns and thinks by experience. i still believe in experience though but i believe that God judges us by our deeds and actions, but what we believe we have contributed and what we believe we have sacrificed for his sake. by what.. no human definition or description can match the power of the human spirit :) believe that you are good :)

x: true, but then again, people have been defined and squished to a sorry pulp. if what u say is right, then why am i unsure that ill be satisfied with the outcome? it might just open up a pandora's box of trouble and ill be dealing with a new set of harsher/tougher problems

y: coz u havent let go of society's chauvinism. its like being tied down by material possessions. after all, those are still concerns of the earthly world. think beyond the textbook and into the bible where all good deeds flow

x: how can one be good when people will ultimately judge him evil? what is one’s worth if he is unappreciated? i mean how can i compensate for my weaknesses? what can i do? who can i be? when im just me..

y: u always think too much. your concerns will eat u alive. why not let go of those WHAT IFs coz none of them are certain namn and jst live your life the way you want to. life is too short and sweet to be wasted worrying bout others. think of it as another ordinary defect. If there’s somebody ugly in the world, well, that's ur defect coz it makes u imperfect for some but totally lovable for everyone else. no one's perfect and u cnt please everyone. the least u could do is be the most adorable friend, anak, mentor, being. In the deed sense ah..

x: yeah... i should know my parameters, what I’m capable of and work out from there. make the best out of what's been given me. but i want much. This might just be my crappiest period.

y: hehe.. what's with the crappy mood? u got other problems?

x: well, i cant pick them apart!

y: we all have our selfish motives but too much ambition at the wrong time might leave us racing for nothing. well how bout loving urself FIRST. it always starts with that :)

x: how can i do that when i find myself LACKING?

y: hehe :) but really, i dnt knw why u are who you are, the same way i am who i am. i see my flaws and acknowledge them. but ive long accepted that i am too loved and blessed by God to magnify what i lack rather than count what i have abounding. when God makes his list, it wnt have popular belief in the criteria. jst u and Him

x: wer are u getting all this?

y: FAITH :) one only needs faith to believe. when u come to think of it, when u put God in the center of your life, things jst fall into perspective coz he gives no reason for pessimism and he is the reason for a good life. so u up to smiling na and living your life with a brighter perspective? :)

x: i have been doing that! in fact i wake up everyday thanking Him without fail. for very shallow reasons but im very thankful.. i have HIM to thank for getting me this far even though i feel like im spiraling down cynicism

y: which should stop you from worrying coz u have more to be grateful for :)

x: like what? Lol dont know what's been keepin me up. Oh, there's you for one! But i dont think i have a steady support system to begin with soooooooo thank u for bearing with me

y: that you got a good family, friends, a full stomach, the stuff you want, the opportunity to watch tv, laugh at jokes, go out at night, even see the city which not everyone gets to see (even i miss it)

x: hahahaha... one will only know wat's truly beautiful when it's no longer there

y: exactly. its all opportunity cost. if you gain some you lose some :) you cnt have the world u know

killer

For the sake of being righteous you jump into this hole thinking its the best thing to do, the right thing. You dig deeper, gaining momentum, the drive feeds you, that is until you realize that it isnt easy. You feel weak knowing that you cant keep at it forever, that you wish to go back with the rest of them and their passion for realizing shadowed desires. Just when you thought you should crawl back out, it dawns on you that you're way down, deep down. It falls on you like a heavy blanket, suffocating, hot, and unbearable. You squirm to break free but there's no escape. You're there disturbed and dying inside and the rest of the world doesn't seem to notice. Mute.

Abstinence kills. No wonder I'm miles beneath the ground.

heaven

First stick.
"All I want is to feel this way
To be this close, to feel the same
All I want is to feel this way
The evening speaks, I feel it say..."
There I was, up alone on a lonely hill that overlooked a small city, and those lines kept on ringing in my head. I’m not sure why my subconscious chose to sing that song but it was a clear declaration of how I wanted that moment to be.. just as it was. Solitary.
Lights down below flickered on and off as smoke billowed in front of me, teasing me to follow its flight. It was tempting but it was never my style to be that impulsive, especially when all was perfectly silent. Bliss, I thought, up until heat bit my lips. And so I took out another piece hoping that I could make it last much longer.
Second stick.
Isolation intrigues me - Not caring, not living for others, and not being entitled to protect other people's feelings but yourself. If only it was that easy, how perfect life would be for me. Distancing myself from others would save me a great deal of anxieties. That’s why I don’t blame people who chose to escape reality because it's mighty hard to keep sanity amidst mental and emotional vexation.
Vague thoughts raced round my head but a sound broke the silence of which I relished. A car driven by an old man slowly lurched towards where I was situated, deliberately disturbing my solitude. I inhaled hard to dispose of the very object that kept me from wandering off into my deepest thoughts. Finished. Displeased and wanting to leave I motioned to stand but then the car left just as sudden as it appeared. Perhaps, he too wanted seclusion. A bit annoyed of his indecisiveness, yet thankful for respecting my privacy, I sat back down and drew out another one.
Third stick.
Burn. I puffed and relaxed myself back down. I breathed in and breathed out and soon, clouds spun around my head. Now dizzy, I stared blankly at the sad night sky. There were no stars and no moon to watch over me. Not that it matters. This was what I wanted anyway. I was half-way through the so-called cancer stick when a couple riding a motorcycle parked close by. I guess I was lost in the darkness of the sky and with the smoke that playfully danced above me. I knew it was time to leave and spare myself from the mushiness this couple brought along with them. I burned out the ember and hurriedly walked past the two, wearing a complacent smile on my face, as if telling them that it was their turn to make use of my spot.
I got on the car and sped down the hill. Driving round the many hushed streets that riddled the city, I drove past men and women who must be searching for that same thing I am. Everybody shares the same dream but move towards it in different ways. I didn’t know how far or how close they were in reaching this and I never bothered to overanalyze maybe because I was too intoxicated or that I’m just plain indifferent.
As I closed in on home I felt smug knowing that I just found my own piece of heaven, with a lighter and a cigarette on that lonely hill that overlooked a small city...

Sea of blue

I swim. Deeper into the blue that you threw me into. You gave me a headstart. I felt like I was in control, as if, I was the one driving the wheel. I loved it. You gave me the chance to taste what it was like to be mature and you taught me to take on steady strokes. I swam and I never tired of swimming, up until now.

You made me believe that i was quite the charmer, of wit and coyness, a boy. Everybody says so but when it comes from you it's "just" different, you indulged in my childishness because you saw something more than that. or was it, what you wanted me to believe? I made you think that it was all a game for me, that nothing serious will surface from this. And it was what I intended it to be, but you unknowingly changed the rules for me. I obliged and followed your stride. I had fun playing with you, and just when I thought I grew out of playing, you left. Without any explanation you left me in the very middle of things just when I was sure you'll help me across, right when I was clinging on to you to help me through this.

I was scared, puzzled, helpless. But then, I had to be strong. I met people along the way who were motivated by the same objective of finding a way across. They thought I could help them through this. They had confidence in what I could do for them, when all the while I never found that in me because I still felt like a child gripping on to an entity who's no longer there for me to look up to. I avoided forming intimate relationships with others because I didnt want to fail you, and too proud to prove to you that I could make it on my own. I was so focused on you that I lost sight of people who could've filled in the hole that you made. I hurt people even though it wasnt my real intention but I'll just have to deal with that. Let them hate me for those reasons because I know I just saved them from bigger pain, me.

I used to pity people who continue to root for their false hopes and with the way things turned out I became another one down that very list. Oh, the irony of things.

Maybe I am clinging on an empty dream one where you'll pull me out of the sea of blue you put me in to. And so here I am. Still waiting. Still swimming. Im tired but I continue to hope . . .