question

yipee! i passed the exam and initial interview for some big company. thanks to everyone who prayed for me but i need your prayers more than ever because the final interview's on wednesday!!! i hope this is the place for me because i've been embarrassingly jobless for more than a month now. i need a stable job. one that pays well, with a wonderful work environment and offers a good opportunity for growth. talk about being too idealistic... with so much time in my hands i cant help but daydream of perfect office scenarios and what not, in full detail! maygarsh! i am so fed up of being idle and over thinking.

on a different note, i'm having a strange feeling of melancholy. i recently asked myself, 'why is the world so unfair?' the eternal question that fuel most angst-ridden teens... hayyy... i'm way past that time in my life but it's coming back. haven't i been good enough, kind enough, generous enough to deserve the best in life? what of positive karma and its tenfold return? and many more questions i don't have an answer for.

envy and bitterness, i don't want any of it... but it just welled up the moment i saw the smile plastered on your face, and it immediately wiped off the one on mine.

...

how come you're happy while i'm not?

huhuhuhu

tired.

'tis all. stupid no? pray for me... God bless us all!

nothing

i've been through this several times before and i've gotten myself into the same mess again... but this time around, it's slightly different, the tables have turned. garsh! who would've thought? its just like what they say, what goes around comes around. karma finally caught up with me, i guess. hayyy... i can't believe that i allowed it to get this far. i should know better. so stupid. fact me.

'do what you have to do' thats what ms. mclachlan told me. i just hope that i was able to contain much of the damage. hayyy.. enough. when will all of this be over? bilis... i really want to skip the sullen bit and jump straight to just-like-the-good-'ol-days. if only i had the option to fast forward ala click. tough.

uhm... right! this is all a twisted dream the sandman cooked up out of pure spite. demn that old geezer! quick, pinch my ass or something!

*just yammering nonsense. spare me. shoo!*

but really, this isn't easy and i'm tired. i want to wake up already... please.

fact it

fact! i was supposed to buy this cool jacket i've been drooling on for days but somebody got to it first. fact! i checked yesterday if it was still there, it was, and i even tried it on, it fit perfectly! so i went to the nearest atm to get some cash coz what i had was insufficient but on the way back i was met with heavy traffic. when i finally reached the place it was friggin closed!!! it was still 6:40pm on my watch, and they're supposed to close on 7 friggin' pm! FACT! i grudgingly went back home and was greeted with my father's assurance that nobody will pick that item any time soon, that i should take my time. feeling reassured, i was hopeful for tomorrow. and so the day of reckoning came, i hurriedly went to the shop, asked for the size i previously tried on, and waited excitedly near the dressing room... when lo and behold, the most tragic news hit me, they sold it to someone earlier. i was a few minutes late. FACT! i was annoyed beyond words! then i noticed the dour looking manager approach and finally stopping by to listen in on the conversation i was having with the clerk. i ended up asking the manager when she'll restock on the said item but she pretended not to hear. i swear i could've thrown the clothes rack at her then and there! fact! but i composed myself and repeated the same question matched with a glare and a tone of impatience. i'm sure that caught her by surprise and expectedly, she lightened her mood. 'i'm afraid we won't be ordering the same line. try our other items, sir' she said, with a less indifferent approach. it wasn't the best response but a clear improvement from before. serves her right that hag. spirit low and clearly pissed off, i told my father what happened and as if adding insult to injury, told me that i should have bought it first thing in the morning. ahhhhhh.. i was about to blow up in anger! wasn't he the one who told me that nobody will go for the same item? wasn't he the one who told me to take my time?! that hypocrite, blaming me for the actions i clearly took from his advice. i just shut my mouth. grrrr...

so my friends tell me 'maybe it just wasn't meant for you, that you'll find something better if not the best. just wait.' how come i'm not convinced? it felt like it was meant for me. that it was the best. i waited for so long, brooding on the very thought of wanting it. and when the time was ripe for me to have it, the universe keeps me from it. fact! why? everything i wanted; work, independence, healthier relationships, vacation, etc. not one of those did i ever get! don't i at least deserve that jacket? it was small compared to my previous wants but still its a NO! ahhhhhhhhhhhh... i know its shallow but the littlest things tick me off these days. i'm going crazy!

haven't i waited long enough?

here's a sad/cute/funny vid to remind you how the world can be so unfair. that bitch... watch the vid and you'll see what i mean.




tough.

rant # i dunno

I have no idea what I’d do with my life. No job, no purpose, no direction, no goal, no aim. Nada! Back when I was a kid, I could easily say that I’d be a paleontologist but look at me now! I couldn’t even see myself in a year’s time. Pffft! Nothing excites me anymore. I keep on ‘chilling’ and looking for ‘adventure’ to the point that it’s become darn too predictable. I’ve even sworn off my quick fix, drinking coz I’ve been at it non-stop. I’m telling you, there comes a point when not even that could better the feeling of ‘blankness.’ My life is so mundane. My life is so uninspiring. Oh wait! I don’t have a life… it’s that simple. What am I here for anyway? Hohum… But still, thank God for allowing me to survive the dreadful year that was 2006. Thank YOU!

And there’s also my dismal lurvelife. Demn! Most of my friends might not know this but I’ve been fretting over lurve for the past year. And there’s still no sign of Cupid! But lo and behold! My good friend Angel finally found herself a boyfriend! Hahaha… I can’t forget how we (classmates) used to tease her, “manigulang jud kang walay uyab Gel! Single for life!” And looky now, she even has “Til I met you, I never knew what love was” as her shout out. Demn! I guess our Kung Ako Nalang Sana deal’s off, eh Gel? It’s cool coz I still have a few contracts at hand. Hahaha… I know Cupid’s just fluttering about purposefully missing the arrows aimed at me or maybe he couldn’t find it amongst the pile of arrows reserved for the other hopefuls. And there’s also the chance that one’s already sticking out of my chest but I’ve been refusing to admit it. Who knows? Hahaha… I’ll just get crazier the more I think about this. Ambot!

Life oh life! It hasn’t been easy but I’m still here… waiting. “I can hear my grandma say, you can’t get to no better days unless you’d make it through the night” as taken from the song Better Days. Hehehehe… Haaaaaaaahay! Maypa mag-WAITER nalang sa ko, magkakwarta pako!

Last hirit: INSPIRE ME! MOVE ME! STIR ME! AROUSE ME! Wahahaha… Nonsense na. Haaaay… find me.

pahungaw

gisapot ko karon! i am at my wit's end!!! sige nalang kog ka-ipit sa problema!!!!! leche!!!!!!!!!!! dont make the choices i made sound like it was what i really wanted!!!! gikapoy najud ko ani nga style!!! peste!!! palihog ayaw ko i-pressure karun coz i'm still dealing with the unfair judgment you laid down!!!! i want to go away coz i'm so tired of all this drama!!!!!!!!! soooos.. kung sayun lang jud nga magpalayo, dugay rako nilayo!!! pero dili ko escapist kaya pasalamat jud ky taas kog pasensya!!!!! magpa-ugat pa kog maayo ani! i was trying my best to keep my cool pero kelangan jud ko magpahungaw ky napuno najud ko!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhh... kalami ishagit!!! Lord, tabangi ko ky matuluyan najud kog ka-buang ani.. please.

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The Bottom Line

You're approaching a critical point. Look upon this day like any other.

In Detail

In a business or school environment, you are approaching a critical point ... but you should look upon this day like any other. The worst thing you can do right now is let yourself get intimidated by certain expectations. If you overthink things, you'll lose perspective and could sell yourself short. If you are feeling a bit uncertain, lean on the folks around you who can help cheer you on or cheer you up. Remember that you know exactly what to do and how to do it.

----

tagos bha?! so who's willing to cheer me up? sige na... hahay... tough.

*can you keep a secret?

take a hint

Doh! Sumo sa tanang sumo! You always end up messing your life and you run to me, asking for whatever comfort you can get. But no matter how many times we talk, nothing I say ever gets through to you. For countless times, I’ve sincerely offered you my counsel, you say you’ll try and then the next thing I know we’re back to zero.

I am sick, sick of you for piling up one problem after another and having me hear it over and over again. I’ve been your scapegoat for so long. Yes, I understand that I’m the only person you can really talk to but whatever-we’re-in right now, it’s not helping the both of us. You’re not learning and at the same time the weight of whatever-we-have isn’t getting me anywhere. It was fun but I can’t be just the shrink forever. I have problems too, you know, and I plan on resolving them. And the first on my list, is YOU.

You should know that I hate goodbyes but with you it’s not as difficult as I expected it to be. I had fun last night. Why? Because I never got to think about you, worry about you, talk about you. Not having you around in every waking minute of my day might make my life better.
But you should know that while writing this I felt my conscience throwing boulders at me. Don’t ever think that you didn’t matter because you DID. Well, maybe you still do for just a tiny bit. Aftershocks I guess. I’ve spent so many months with you and that’s enough to have me pick a handful of wonderful moments to bring with me. The times we shared were beautiful but I want something that’s consistent, clear, tangible… something deeper. A validation of all of those things you never gave me, things you could never give. I know it’s selfish, I know it may be unfair on your part because you’ve never done anything harsh but there’s always a time when one needs to move out of unproductive relationships. As for me, that time is now.

Sayonara. Ciao. Au Revoir. Adios. Goodbye.

It should’ve just been you I bid farewell to and not... someone else. Hahay. It’s bothersome having to start over again but I’ll find someone who’ll show me why it never worked between you and me.

Time will reveal.

wapak!

i feel sorry for superheroes, especially when they hafta put others first before themselves. why do they have to be burdened with that responsibility? its not like they chose to be born that way! can't people at least be thankful that they use their powers for good and not think of it as a mass privilege. others say that's what they have to deal with because that's what they're supposed to do - their purpose. but when will they ever have the time to do what they want and not do what others want them to? yes, superheroes save the day (everyday) but hey.. give em some slack. i don't know about you, but they deserve a day off since i'm sure, that in the back of their minds, they're itching to have some r&r. vacation, anyone? what's a day or two to take matters in our own hands AND not dial the superheroes-do-it-for-ya hotline, ryt?

i know it's a bit off topic but i was watching naruto (ninjas this time. hehe..) and i remembered an early episode when sasuke was unconscious (he looked like a human pin cushion after battling with haku) and sakura was trying mighty hard to hold back her tears (but ofcourse being the sissy that she is, she cried eventually). why'd she push herself not to cry you ask? you see, it's in their handbook - rule number 25 states that the mission comes first, being attached/giving in to emotions is a no no. this is a fairly important guideline for em maybe because it enables them to think rationally/unclouded. right, right! it's the most logical option but hey, one can't have the mind rule all of the time. honestly, no human can live up to that credo... i know i can't! why is it that some people allow themselves to be dictated by the "mission?"

i'm not getting anywhere, am i? those are the only analogies i could ever think of. garsh, i suck. hehehe... the fact of the matter is, i'm no superhero/ninja and yet i sure feel like i have a lot on my already aching shoulders. i may not be as passionate as superheroes or as zealous as ninjas, but hey, i do have superheroic/ninjaesque tendencies. God, help! i can't be this semi-mindless robot forever. i need a break, a KITKAT (i'll have them make a mega-sized variant that'll take a full year to gobble up)! if not then i'll have my kunai at the ready and it just might go flying your way, or would you rather have kinetically charged cards at you? choose your pick. pfffft... i would give anything just to fly right now. wait, im not that desperate yet. anything. something, maybe.

before all of this dawned on me i was uploading a few songs for my bolt account. you might find something attuned to your tastes (but i'm not counting on it) so check it out if you must.

o-yasumi nasai! ohayou! whatever.

yada yada

"i'm too forgiving for my own good. darnit! she's right you know... i mustn't let anyone come to me when they need a good kick. im supposed to be the vampireboy. THE vampireboy. i'm the one who bites and not the other way around. i really should relive my title before i completely fail my rights to passage. ack! by dusk tomorrow i'll refurbish my mausoleum and dig out my old ensemble. i'm tired of playing the happy hour boy. halloween's over.

BUT i think i've said this before. darnit. i've been on replay ever since i learned to be UNapathetic. when will i ever learn? when will i ever learn? when will i ever learn? i'm a broken record.

'sometimes people put up walls to see who cares enough to knock them down.' but that isn't the case right now and it shouldn't have been back then, or so i would like to believe. the sound your hammers and power drills make as it bangs against my brick wall is way too deafening. my ears bleed.

please, make this easier for me. disappear if you must. hush. stop. i hope you get it right this time. you who? well your guess is as good as mine.

friends, thanks for your time. really."

elvin's bitching about imaginary assailants again. he's back! oh crap! take him to the crazy house already.

why do people think that?

i went out drinking last night - all by myself. with a book and cig in hand, i attacked the local "tambayan" with a strong determination to accomplish my goal...

the mission: read sputnik sweetheart up until i'm too dizzy to even bother comprehending a single line.

with three bottles of beer down in less than 45 minutes i can't say that i got drunk, just a bit lightheaded. i planned on getting a fourth order but not even the cig helped me from my distaste of beer. hehe... so i simply went on reading and managed to cover a good 40-50 pages of the murakami novel. every now and then people came up to me and invited me to their table AND like always, i declined. i've gotten used to that scenario, that's why i never go on solo adventures without my "i'm fine being solitary" line at the ready "it's alright. i'll be leaving in a few minutes anyway. thanks" can't they see that being alone doesn't necessarily equate with loneliness? i'm perfectly fine being the only person on a bench, or a table for that matter. i appreciate the "concern" but it's all good, REALLY! maybe next time i should wear a (do not disturb) sign huh?

it was an uneventful night. mission failed, i guess... not to mention i almost hit a motorcycle. ehe.

naunsa

my friends were talking about animals, particularly on the most dangerous snakes that ever existed. they went on yammering about their favourites like cobras, anacondas, pythons, etc.. until one claimed that nothing can beat the rattler. my ears suddenly perked up and i just had to butt in with a snicker. even rattlers can fall victim to other animals! king snakes in particular specialize on eating rattlesnakes! duh!!!!! but i just kept silent right after.. hahay.. ignoramus.

see? even predators can become prey. hahay.. ohmygoodiesfockyoumeandeveryone!

tanduay for dinner

yet again, yesternight was one of those spur-of-the-moment booze sessions and i got drunk BIG TIME. sheeet, i knew i should have eaten more than a measly burger! i have a so-so alcohol tolerance.. a good meal could have veered me away from intoxication. if you're wondering what happened, well not much.. my head was spinning so fast and it felt like the whole world fell on me. i puked! but this time, i knew better than dumping it on myself.. wehehehehehehe.. leche. i never expected id go down, and when it was time to go home, i almost slept in this waiting shed. leche. shame shame shame. and because i was too weak, when i pissed, i wet my pants a bit. demn. it would have been alright if no one was there but then, my nosy neighbors came around.. sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. imagine how my good (hehe) image will be ruined if word of that particular misdemeanor spread. i am sooooooooo.. reckless. careless. this shouldnt happen again. demn. im afraid im going way overboard. this must stop... after saturday. wehehehehehehehehe.. when will i ever learn?