warning

i had another one of my quirky dream episodes last night. then, somebody was dancing ecstatically (with arms flailing about) on a dismal stage while taunting me to dance. i dont want to point out the strange details but it was darn funny in an immensely unexpected way. can it get any weirder? i must be close to breaking my sane-insane limit huh? sound the alarm!

i dont think so...

Elvin, your true color is Blue!


You're blue — the most soothing shade of the spectrum. The color of a clear summer sky or a deep, reflective ocean, blue has traditionally symbolized trust, solitude, and loyalty. Most likely a thoughtful person who values spending some time on your own, you'd rather connect deeply with a few people than have a bunch of slight acquaintances. Luckily, making close friends isn't that hard, since people are naturally attracted to you — they're soothed by your calming presence. Cool and collected, you rarely overreact. Instead, you think things through before coming to a decision. That level-headed, thoughtful approach to life is patently blue — and patently you!
What's Your True Color?
=====

say what? this can't be me, can it?

Luckily, making close friends isn't that hard, since people are naturally attracted to you — they're soothed by your calming presence. - what the fart!? dont make me laugh.

other than that, there's a tad bit of truth with the result (all good points ofcourse. hehe) but i would've wanted it to be black coz it plays well with my "gothic" ensemble. tough! nyaha! just messin' with ya. :P

a song for the sigurist

Crazy as it all plays out
I think I'm lonelier than I've ever been before
'Cause I was so close
To going through that door
But I don't want to be to blame for them
I don't want to be to blame

Oh, would you please get out from under my skin?
'Cause I can't begin this yet
And I don't know what my intentions are
They're speaking in a different tongue
And, deep inside, I'm not as tough as I seem
But I won't let you know
Until it's right, I'm gonna stay my distance, and you should go
Oh, would you please get out
I'm not as strong as I seem, but I won't let you know
====

Under My Skin by Rachael Yamagata

...and i couldn't have said it any better.

this time: i pray i'll have it easy. please?

because i dont want to bore you with my usual banter, because i dont want words to limit what my mind speaks, and simply because i'm just tired of talking, that's all there is to it. really.

tawa ta na? *chokes out a laugh* it's not working.

hahahahaY.

reunited

i got myself wasted AGAIN after months of self-restraint. it was hilarious. just the master and myself. it's amazing how we managed to find ourselves home inspite of the heavy intoxication. once there, i immediately fell on our couch, not forgetting to puke and murmur every once in a while. i slept downstairs and woke up with an instant greeting from my visiting aunt who sat opposite from where i dozed on.

aunt: "nganu diri man ka natulog langga?"
*still too tired to answer*
ate: "nabilar na sya sa thesis"
aunt: "kaluoy pod tawon"
ate: "ana man na siya pag naay project"
*ana gud tawon!*

good thing ate got me covered. i had dried-up patches of puke-stuff on my cheeks. my breath stank (still does, actually). leche! and my head hurts everytime i sit up. heads.. darnit!

r1: "nganu naghubog man ka? abi ko nagbuhat ka sa imong thesis"
me: "humana naman gud"
r1: "ayaw na ni usba elvin hah."
me: "lagi... sakit kaayo akong ulo"
r1: "da! kabalo man diay ka nga mao nang mahitabo nimo unya gibuhat jud"
me: "lagi... dili na lagi ko muusab. dili najud ko muinom."
*yeah ryt! hehehehe...*

;-P

plans

The best gift anyone can give me this new year is a planner. I like planners because I am a planner. I like thinking ahead. I like being prepared. I get a high from being on top of things. But some things are beyond planning. And life doesn't always turn out as planned.

You don't plan for a broken heart.
You don't plan for a failed business venture.
You don't plan for an adulterous husband.
Or a wife who wants you out of her life.
You don't plan for an autistic child.
You don't plan for spinsterhood.
You don't plan for a lump in your breast.

You plan to be young forever.
You plan to climb the corporate ladder.
You plan to be rich and powerful.
You plan to be acclaimed and successful.
You plan to conquer the universe.
You plan to fall in love - and be loved forever.

You don't plan to be sad.
You don't plan to be hurt.
You don't plan to be broke.
You don't plan to be betrayed.
You don't plan to be alone in this world.

You plan to be happy.
You don't plan to be shattered.

Sometimes if you work hard enough, you can get what you want. But most times, what you want and what you get are two different things.

We, mortals, plan. But so does God in the heavens. Sometimes, it is difficult to understand God's plans - especially when His plans are not in consonance with ours. Often, when God sends us crisis, we turn to Him in anger. True, we cannot choose the cross that God wishes us to carry, but we can carry that cross with courage knowing that God will never abandon us nor send something we cannot cope with.

Sometimes, God breaks our spirit to save our soul.
Sometimes, He breaks our heart to make us whole.
Sometimes, God sends us pain so we can be stronger.
Sometimes, God sends us failure so we can be humble.
Sometimes, God sends us illness so we can take better care of ourselves.
Sometimes, God takes everything away from us so we can learn the value of everything He gave us.

Make plans but understand that we live by God's grace.
====
im not much of a planner, really. but somehow, this here hits home.

i will graduate. arrrr.. and when that time comes, watch out world. nyah!

i pray.

yada yada

"i'm too forgiving for my own good. darnit! she's right you know... i mustn't let anyone come to me when they need a good kick. im supposed to be the vampireboy. THE vampireboy. i'm the one who bites and not the other way around. i really should relive my title before i completely fail my rights to passage. ack! by dusk tomorrow i'll refurbish my mausoleum and dig out my old ensemble. i'm tired of playing the happy hour boy. halloween's over.

BUT i think i've said this before. darnit. i've been on replay ever since i learned to be UNapathetic. when will i ever learn? when will i ever learn? when will i ever learn? i'm a broken record.

'sometimes people put up walls to see who cares enough to knock them down.' but that isn't the case right now and it shouldn't have been back then, or so i would like to believe. the sound your hammers and power drills make as it bangs against my brick wall is way too deafening. my ears bleed.

please, make this easier for me. disappear if you must. hush. stop. i hope you get it right this time. you who? well your guess is as good as mine.

friends, thanks for your time. really."

elvin's bitching about imaginary assailants again. he's back! oh crap! take him to the crazy house already.

crummier. virgohoro 02-26-06

i anticipated this. it has come.

when temporary highs are no longer enough to keep me aloft.

i need something that spells ever after.

the kind that wont take to the air by dawn.

one that will keep me flying for the hours after and the hours in between.

what else is there?
==

The Bottom Line

When in doubt, go for romance today. Invest some energy on your heart and soul.

In Detail

Being brazen has its advantages. First of all, it's extremely appealing to prospective suitors and an absolute magnet for friends. It's fire, and whether it's in a fireplace or in a person's attitude doesn't matter. That famously hypnotic quality is still there. Someone who wants to woo you, for a variety of reasons, will show you more than a little bit of fire right now, and you'll find it quite appealing. Play the game, though. Don't let on just yet.
==
why do i even bother?

no brain, no pain.

or should i just bury this with the rest of the trash i horde? how long can i keep at it? up until the bent spoon breaks through my skin?

God, i'm running out of stars to pin my wishes. but thank you for letting them out to play with my dragon's breath

seeds

"Thoughts lead on to purposes

Purposes go forth in action

Actions form habits

Habits decide character

And character fixes our destiny."

~The quote i chose for my HS yearbook 4 years ago. I pray that i get to do the same this March.

what kind of soul are you?

You Are a Dreaming Soul
Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world. So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time. You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult.

You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses. Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life.
http://blogthings.com/whatkindofsoulareyouquiz/

~tough.

"God will never leave you EMPTY,
He will replace everything you've LOST.
If He asks you to put something DOWN,
it's because He wants you to PICK-UP something GREATER."

~yeba!

flow

I'm always swimming against the flow of the tide.

Kissing the life into something thats already died.

I've been drowning forever.

I'll let go.

I'll dive into the river and flow.

a test of faith

i've been cramming and stressing for a week, and nothing paid off. the only thing i had going for me were prayers. just when i thought it was all hopeless, something incredible just happened. YES!

i'm off the danger zone but there's still a lot of work to be done. a little more and i'll be home free. :D

God never turns to give us a deaf ear. Have faith and He'll work his miracles! I know, because i just got one. Lord, thank you!

------

The Bottom Line

You can't help someone who doesn't want it. You must wait until they're ready.

In Detail

You've been extremely busy lately -- and busy, by your standards, is hectic, frenetic and unbearably stressful to most of the rest of us. However, you've just realized that it's just about the weekend and you're coming into some free time. Get busy, then -- in a different way -- and use this time to your advantage. Call every playmate you know you should have called weeks ago, make plans and resolve that there will be absolutely no work. None whatsoever.
===
funny horoscope.. IF ONLY i could have it easy this weekend. darn it. ABSOLUTELY NO WORK my ARSE! pfffft...

why do people think that?

i went out drinking last night - all by myself. with a book and cig in hand, i attacked the local "tambayan" with a strong determination to accomplish my goal...

the mission: read sputnik sweetheart up until i'm too dizzy to even bother comprehending a single line.

with three bottles of beer down in less than 45 minutes i can't say that i got drunk, just a bit lightheaded. i planned on getting a fourth order but not even the cig helped me from my distaste of beer. hehe... so i simply went on reading and managed to cover a good 40-50 pages of the murakami novel. every now and then people came up to me and invited me to their table AND like always, i declined. i've gotten used to that scenario, that's why i never go on solo adventures without my "i'm fine being solitary" line at the ready "it's alright. i'll be leaving in a few minutes anyway. thanks" can't they see that being alone doesn't necessarily equate with loneliness? i'm perfectly fine being the only person on a bench, or a table for that matter. i appreciate the "concern" but it's all good, REALLY! maybe next time i should wear a (do not disturb) sign huh?

it was an uneventful night. mission failed, i guess... not to mention i almost hit a motorcycle. ehe.

she said

i hate you for always being there. for picking me up for our yo-sessions almost every night. i hate you for making me nice testimonials and for making my friendster profile pretty. i hate you for picking me up at 12 midnight to see mars and for sitting right next to me in the park. i hate you for being so understanding of my eccentricities. and for not misjudging the way i act and the things i say. i hate your for laughing with me, shouting with me and consoling me whenever i'm worried or sad. i hate you for being so good at dancing and for being so game in everything. i hate you so, so, so much for being a friends and i sometimes hate myself for loving the things you do and the things you say. as our old line goes, "i hate loving you!" i hate you for being my fan at dzyr's... ahem... i hate you for not coming home to say goodbye. i so, so, so hate you nax. i hate you and karla for making me cry. i hate you for making me hate leaving... but then again, i have to. i hate you for not giving my cd's back. i hope you make that a reason to visit me in cebu. oh yeah, i hate you for making me drink beer. i hate beer! i hate you and i don't ever want to thank you for everything. you've made me so sad for not spending my last day in ili with me. i hate you and i hope you won't take care of yourself even if i wanted you to coz i care. i hate you slutboy! pervert! i hate you coz i'm pretty sure that i won't ever find another one like you in cbu. you won't find another on like me either! serves you right! i hate you slutboy!! i abhor you! i hope you'll show your ass in cebu one of these days so i could pinch it real hard. you deserve that punishment! i hate you, i hate you, i hate you!

=======

sheeeesh, she sure does hate me. oh well, i guess i hate her too. hehehe...

pug

"What can i do

to find myself

a new chew toy?

Whisper it to me,

please.

I'll do whatever it takes

to fill the empty box

you pulled it out of."

With head hung low,

and a sad face on,

Freud whimpered.

He always looks the same so nobody really knows what he wants.

I feel for you doggy.

I really do.

Hahay...

Soon.

no-frills

Friday - rhede and cousins

* First time in days that I went on a night out. To start off, Pulah treated me to dinner at Zoey's. It was very startling - I can't even remember the last time she offered to do that! But who would ever pass up a free meal right? I don't know bout you but I sure won't. Hehehehe... but really it came with good reason - it was her birthday on the 23rd and Friday’s the only feasible date to celebrate it with me. So i ordered garden salad while she went with seafood noodles and blueberry cheesecake, with my recommendation of course. even though we were quite full, she ordered fish and fries after our initial feast just for the heck of it... and maybe with a "bit" of prodding on my part. *evil grin* a live acoustic band was playing so we lounged a bit and cracked silly jokes until we found ourselves wanting to move out due to the constant flow of mushy songs. We landed on the hill where we caught up on our life stories and took pictures to show to our "other" friend. It would've gone longer but she had her curfew and i had an intense need to use a portalet or whatever. Hahay... I dropped her home and I sped to my aunt's place to use their CR.
* Later that night, I watched a band competition with my cousins till 12mn. My three other cousins, Tot, King, and Kating were playing with their respective bands. They rocked the place with powerful and upbeat tunes. Cheers to my talented cousins! Next to them, my inability to excel in music is greatly magnified. Leche! :D The night was culminated in a bar with lots of people ready for some action. hehehe... but we're all good boys and girls so nothing horrifyingly obscene happened in our circle. We didn't even order any alcoholic drinks! Yahoo!
* Went home and slept at 5am.

Saturday - 3 bottles of tandu Jr.

* I didn’t get much sleep because my ate woke me up around 10am, which only meant 5 hours of sleep. We usually go to Cagayan de Oro during weekends - this was one of those days. When we got to Ketkai, I rushed to check up on the new RPG games available - I ended up buying Wild ARMs 4. geeeeez... out of all the RPGs I ever bought, the only ones I've finished are those of the final fantasy series. There are loads of other games I have yet to finish and this latest addition is bound to be another one of those. Hehe... also, I had Lu's gift refilled. Yey! But I think the saleslady broke it. Boo! With nothing much to do, I watched Zathura, one of those movies worth getting slept at - and I did, for a good 15 minutes.
* Tried out this new restaurant called KIS (Kambingan, Isdaan, Sisigan).
* Later, I went out with a cousin dying to go clubbing after a week-long voluntary probation (very much like my self-imposed curfew of 9pm). My cousin Lowe’s (who just went back to Cebu) boo whose birthday was on the following day, also came along. We gave her a pre-birthday bash at this club where we danced (just to let the sweat out) and drank (2 bottles of Tandu Jr. Ehe). People were getting freaky on top of their tables and the crowd got worked up with the not-so-female ledge dancers putting on a show, if you know what I mean. Ehe... but what's really weird was that approximately half of the population was composed of HS students. Sheesh, kids these days. Tsk, tsk, tsk...
* Right after, we moved to this station where we continued our drinking session (one more Tandu) and spent what's left of the early morn talking. Hahay... I don’t want to go on with the specifics but it was consumed by mushy talk. *cringes* last Tandu down and everything just flowed out for the both of them while I remained the spectator. From their conversation - it’s clear that the L word IS suicide. *LOL* but the lesson of the story - we will always have our true friends (cousins included) to crawl back to when nothings going right. And in two hours time, we were all feeling warm and fuzzy inside. Awwwwwww... please, can somebody strangle me? Anyone?
* Got home and slept at about 4:30am.

Sunday - hunting hidden books

* We went to church around 11am. I hadn't been to church in weeks; I still need to pay Him back with my spiritual shortcomings... BIG TIME.
* We then moved on to lunch. Instead of heading straight to fast food chains, the "elders" chose not to and suggested we check out what's cooking in the food court. Food there was cheap compared to other mall-restos so we had many options. I had a filling lunch of Pinoy cuisine - Bicol express, kare kare, dinugu-an/sampayna, etc. Lami...
* Like the day before, I ended up watching a movie - with Narnia and Zathura already in my seen list, and the third movie having this forgettable quality to it (its title I couldn't even remember. see? it is forgettable!), In Her Shoes was the only option. the movie had a light-hearted feel to it. the only thing I found remotely interesting was the first poem Cameron's character (dyslexic btw) read to the retired professor. I think it was One Art by Elizabeth Bishop - nice.
* After the film, I finally bought the books I’ve been eyeing since October! I was ecstatic to find them still; in the exact shelves I hid them. *evil laugh*
1. Sputnik Sweetheart by Haruki Murakami
2. Gathering Blue by Lois Lowry
3. The Sandman - Book of Dreams by Neil Gaiman
4. Lirael by Garth Nix
I was like a child working his way through a toy store. I would've wanted to buy the Wind-Up Bird Chronicle (Haruki Murakami) and Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden) but I was out of budget. Darn it! And because I feared natio will run out of those copies the next time I get back, I tucked them in inconspicuous nooks of different shelves. I hope nobody will come across my super secret hiding place *crosses fingers* hehehehehehe...
* We went back HOME. I was too tired to go out. Waited for drowsiness to seep in. slept at 1am. hehehe... good boy. :D

Monday - the present

* Here I am in front of a computer, blogging and hoping that today wont be exactly the same as every other day. It’s a good thing that I have new friends whose stories I am very much eager to hear. They should keep me from worrying about Mundania for a week or so. And now that my fingers are too tired to go on typing, I'm off to page 152… Please Sumire, amuse me.

what's a good title for this one?

i was damn pissed last night! the house was full of people hanging around to watch the pacquiao fight (delayed telecast) and even extended their stay till evening to witness the new grand champion of star in a million! plus my cousins were making so much ruckus with the videogames! i needed space, and lots of it! arrrrrrrr... God knows how much i detest noise and guests who stay longer than expected! but most importantly, i lost my unopened pack of cigarettes and somebody jammed a pellet of mentos powergum in my lighter! imagine that! whoevere's behind it must be really wicked to play a mean trick like that. shame on you whoever you are!

steaming with anger, i hastily went out without even having dinner. and to think the main course was afritada! *lami* but i was too irked to eat just then. i drove around a bit and texted my friends (using my father's phone. hehe) if they wanted to hang out. none of them replied! my temper reached new heights until finally i got an unexpected text from maya (unexpected because she rarely asks to hang-out with me) - she wanted to chill with a few of her friends, after eating that is. i had no other option so i zoned in on manuelito's bbq house where they were eating. when i got there, i realized that i only had forty pesos on me... not much to warrant a hearty meal of isaw/chicken bbq/longganisa/rice and a pack of cigarettes. well, i chose to buy myself the cig (stupid no? hehehe) to make up for the pack i lost. still, P40 wasnt enough but i assured myself that i could borrow money from them later. so i sat there, watching and waiting until they were full. moving on, we headed straight to starmart. they ordered the usual, tanduay and sprite. demn! i wanted to drink but chose not to in the end coz the stolen pack continued to haunt me. unable to hold it any longer, i asked if they could lend me P32 (desperate times bring desperate measures) but they were all empty, that they spent it on the alcohol already.. how embarassing! frustrated, i dug around my messenger bag and discovered plenty of one peso coins, which i managed to store the past week. the coins amounted to P37, add to that the P40 in my wallet and i ultimately ended up having P77 - just enough to buy ANOTHER pack with P5 to spare. GLORY! so i headed straight for the counter and got what i planned on getting and left them in their tandu session for some alone-time.

if there's one place that could clear up my clouded mind, it would've to be THE hill. i just wanted to sit there and enjoy the view ALONE. but when i got there, several people were around so i just had to compromise. i decided on a distant bench where i sat by myself, while the other benches were occupied by a group of three friends, a 30 sumthing couple, and a family of 5! how sad can this picture get!? i was the odd person out, puffing one stick after another.. they must've thought i was weird - a loner! well they're actually right. *ehe* and to make it worse, the couple had a cassette with them and my classmates' sembreak song was playing! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrr.. torment!

after several sticks, i finally found my happy place... THE hill has always been the antidote for my melancholic episodes, ALWAYS. there's nothing magical about it really... it overlooks the city, there's an old mango tree with glowing fruit thingies (some are burnt out btw), mini-lamp posts, concrete and steel benches, a murky fountain, blahblahblah... but it has been the focal point for many of my fondest memories.. must be why i find peace there... because it connects me to those meaningful days of past. toink!

after an ample dose of clarity, i went back home early - 9pm! in metro standards, that's way too early. hahay... but i felt better so i found no other reason to stay longer... back home, i finally acknowledged my stomach's protest so i ordered two donuts and two bunwiches (tuna AND ham and cheese). what joy! i was feeling much much better with my hunger sated when surprise of all surprises, mega called to check up on me! awwwww... that (and some other things i forgot) just made my day. then i slept happy.

all that fuss over a pack of cigarettes. sheesh! who's the petty one now? me. urk.

this is old

What makes a man so weak that he leads himself into his own undoing? Where can one find the power to keep everything on his calloussed palm? Whose hand plays the most critical role in spinning our life-thread?

Excuse the silly queries of one who's being swallowed by the ebb of maturity. Allow me to play along with life's drama and have me pretend that all is in its proper place.

I do not wish to disturb you with these words full of odious density but if thats the case then let me leave you with this... dont u ever dream of going back in time when everything was simple and anything that comes with "complex" wasn't even in your faintest interests? Back to being children - all fun and games. *hohum*

Mapping out one's life isn't the easiest thing to work out and getting to where you're supposed to be going is just as frustrating, more even. I guess reaching that state of happiness, true and genuine happiness, one that transcends and overshadows the problems that constantly pervade my lifespace, is the most pressing issue I have right now.

These fragmented thoughts will become whole sooner or later, held together with the strongest super glue I can find, that I'm sure of. Be it a person, a cause, an experience, or what have you...

It will come when it will come, that's what I keep telling myself. Hahay...

mumblings on a gray thursday

somehow, you managed to disarm me.

but i won't let you take that open blow.

now nobody wins,

until you give me a good reason to take a plunge.

and when that time comes...

even if ill make the sloppiest dive,

i'd still think i won the gold.

not that i'll ever qualify.

too funny

The Bottom Line

Romance is on your mind today -- someone is thinking about you and you can feel it.

In Detail

You want to travel so badly that if you could, you'd be in a cab on your way to the airport right now, passport in hand. If duty calls, however -- especially if it calls loudly enough to keep you off that plane (or out of that car) -- your sense of responsibility will kick in. In that case, the least you can do is to treat yourself to the company of someone new and exotic.
=======

bwahahahahaha... i hope u get to read this babe coz it's hella funny! but i dont think this'll ever work on you coz you're fine with games, aren't you?

who's your chew toy now virgin?

hahahaha... when will that glorious day come when you'll throw away your schemes and dirty plots for that one person who'll sweep you off to mars?

karma, baby... just you wait. it'll be your turn, sooner or later.

*snickers*

this just in

i have a new addiction: biting through headphone chords, the rubbery keypads on remote controls, erasers, and various other gummy objects. just about anything to sink my teeth into. hahay... the things i "discover" when i'm idle.

come on 2006! it's been a slow start... throw me a hurricane that'll lift me to every black balloon that needs popping.

ill go look for a suitable pin now. nyeh?