this is her story

She feels like crying to attain some sense of justice but all she could ever muster was a heavy heart with a fainting beat. She wonders if he matters enough, enough for tears to spill from her welling eyes. When she looks at him, who she sees makes her tomorrows but when he looks at her, all he ever finds is a friend. And after a long time of staring into space, she throws me a question, ‘when will I ever weep for that which never existed from the start?’

I fall silent.

He only wants her the way he wants her. He is the sea and like sand on the shore, she wants to be a part of him, completely. Pushed away and pulled back again, she rises up, breaks and falls, forever…

'I love him, ardently,' she says. I felt that word, once. I know this story all too well.

And as if on cue the moonless sky mimics what our hearts seek to hide. 'Its raining. There goes your answer,' I finally reply.

I sip my coffee, hoping to achieve a moment's peace in a cup. All is still.

'What shall happen tonight?'

thousandth hahay

The sun isn't as magnificent as it used to when you were still around. I want to tell you that but I don't know if I should...

Gawd. I miss you. Badly.

a halloween story

You are a spirit that sprung out of a chance encounter. It’s curious how I’m the only one to see you when we both float in circumstances shared by many others. That’s why all I could make out are pieces that never fall into place. But what I do know is this; we are the same you and I, ghosts, bound to empty husks forever playing out an unfinished score, a song carrying a hollow tune that never reaches past the twisted note seated next to finality. Yet somehow, very much like an echo that can’t be ignored, yours overpowered mine and it pierced through the anonymity that we anxiously protect. And now that is all that resounds in the haunting where I subsist.

It saddens me to see your beautiful form in unrest, drowned in violent waves that incessantly crash against an unmoving cliff. Yes, I tried to pull you out of your desolation but when I did, a blink was all it took for my hand to easily fly through yours. I knew what was coming for we are numb creatures who would rather spin a broken record than yield to the mended piece. But if your absolution is my song’s meaning then I'll find a way...

I have fallen mute to the world but it matters not because no man will ever find reason why a ghost means to touch a ghost.

Clock

Timer stops now.

No.

But why?

Maybe because you’re the only one around…

I want to treat you differently but you don’t plan on having that realized, do you?

Let’s play it by ear.

I guess you’re too confident to admit anything, knowing that I’ve been waiting on you. Aren’t you tired because I’m getting there fast?

Ambiguity is fine with me.

It once was. You keep me guessing. That’s all you could ever give me... I wish I knew your face so that you’ll no longer be a stranger to me. But I will have to settle with this, don’t I?

I don’t know.

Stars fall, you know and I’m hanging on for yours... Oh well, if not in this lifetime there’s always the next. Won’t you say goodbye and get this over with?

You’re funny.

And you once said that you’re amused with making some people bleed. Am I on that same list because if I am, I’m an ounce close to drying out?

*sighs*

It’ll be a year in three months. Why don’t you make those hands tick faster so that I’ll get there sooner?

…

Please rid me of this illusion, so I wouldn’t have to ask questions you’d never answer.

what's your wish?

i wish i never cared so that I wouldn't be dying everyday. mao lang na. bow. thank you.

take a hint

Doh! Sumo sa tanang sumo! You always end up messing your life and you run to me, asking for whatever comfort you can get. But no matter how many times we talk, nothing I say ever gets through to you. For countless times, I’ve sincerely offered you my counsel, you say you’ll try and then the next thing I know we’re back to zero.

I am sick, sick of you for piling up one problem after another and having me hear it over and over again. I’ve been your scapegoat for so long. Yes, I understand that I’m the only person you can really talk to but whatever-we’re-in right now, it’s not helping the both of us. You’re not learning and at the same time the weight of whatever-we-have isn’t getting me anywhere. It was fun but I can’t be just the shrink forever. I have problems too, you know, and I plan on resolving them. And the first on my list, is YOU.

You should know that I hate goodbyes but with you it’s not as difficult as I expected it to be. I had fun last night. Why? Because I never got to think about you, worry about you, talk about you. Not having you around in every waking minute of my day might make my life better.
But you should know that while writing this I felt my conscience throwing boulders at me. Don’t ever think that you didn’t matter because you DID. Well, maybe you still do for just a tiny bit. Aftershocks I guess. I’ve spent so many months with you and that’s enough to have me pick a handful of wonderful moments to bring with me. The times we shared were beautiful but I want something that’s consistent, clear, tangible… something deeper. A validation of all of those things you never gave me, things you could never give. I know it’s selfish, I know it may be unfair on your part because you’ve never done anything harsh but there’s always a time when one needs to move out of unproductive relationships. As for me, that time is now.

Sayonara. Ciao. Au Revoir. Adios. Goodbye.

It should’ve just been you I bid farewell to and not... someone else. Hahay. It’s bothersome having to start over again but I’ll find someone who’ll show me why it never worked between you and me.

Time will reveal.

sorta goodbye

Yes, i am the wind,
flying past one desert to another.
and you are the Bedouin, burnt dry,
yet too proud to wash yourself with me

I would have been the one carrying the rain,
water that would quell your long drought.
But never given that chance,
I am spent.

I will run past dunes and sandstorms, again,
when i would've wanted to stay a bit longer.
Still, I am content at that one shot
of having been able to cool your parched soul.

I have lingered enough in your oasis
and so with flight i will find closure.
And though the relief i could’ve given is rare,
those days are gone.


***

its funny how you spurred me to draw near although the nearest i could get was still too far to see your face yet close enough to see your chains. i would've unchained you if you wanted me to but you didn't. i guess i'll never be the boy who'll set you free. now, i'm so far from home but i haven't gone anywhere.

=====

this post is long overdue. i am happy (?)

sanamanipud

it seems that the only option i have right now is to wait for that star with your name to fall. please make this easier for me.

ouch indeed.

magbisaya ko kay gikapoy nakog sigeg english. walay magbuot. dugo sa ilong ang maabtan sa mupalag. so... gimingaw nako sa akong superfriends. wala mo kabalo sa kamingaw nga akong gibati ky wala mo diri. pasensya na kung sauna murag gisayun sayun ra nako ang atong pag-uban pero karon rajud nidulot ang akong paghinangup ninyo. hahay... ambot lang. wala man gud koy makasturya diri. unya ug naa man gani, binuang ra halos ang sturya. kanang naay oras para sa pagpakatawa pero naa pod higayun nga dapat sineryoso ang sturya, diba?
ambot nganu napadpad ko aning lugara oi. mao man pod ni akong gusto, para ma-independent. wala ko nagdahum nga akong gipangita ky bahin ra sa pagpanginabuhi, kundili apil pod diay sa uban butang... hahay. naa unta mo diri mga superfriends para naa koi mapagawsan sa akong gibati. it's really lonely not having you guys around especially when i'm at my weakest.
i know that 2006 should be our year but we're already half way through and nothing seems to be going right. i hope we can make it up for what's left of this year. cheers to us!
as for you, gikapoy nakog dula.. kanus-a paman ka makabati nga.. ahhhh, wala. i'll just leave it as it is then. di man gud pod ko kabalo unsaon pagsturya nimo. mapalaw pa lang ko. swerte kaayo ka. hahay.
trabaho nako.

thought cloud

don't you notice how im beginning to retrace my steps?
sad, isn't it?
that you're gone and i'm walking back.

a-okay

okay, updates? well i had a weird dream again. the kind that you shouldn't feel good about but hits you in all the right places, ya know? oh well, it was just a stupid scenario my unconscious self conured anyway but still... hahay.

as for my decision to work elsewhere.. erm.. it's been good. the first few weeks was torture though. but everthings been going smoothly since i found a new place (aircon=heaven). hehehehe.. and ill be getting my first pay this friday! yey..

life's okay. work's okay.

i smile and laugh often especially since my new friends call me tanga (or anything synonymous to that) due to my clumsiness/forgetfullness/carelessness and what have you.

everything's OKAY, really.

but im not happy.

ugly.

virgohoro 5/5/06

The Bottom Line
You're extremely capable of seeing what needs to be done and making progress today!

In Detail
Your emotional vision is a perfect 20-20 today -- you will finally see things in a clear, honest way. With little mystery left, the choice will be clear for you. Saying goodbye is surprisingly easy today when you know that this fork in the road holds two very rewarding (yet opposite) plans for each of you. You now see that staying on the same path is a mistake for one of you. You're entering a strong selfless phase that will keep your heart warm even when you're missing people you love.
====
is this really is it? wehehehehehehe.. i don't have much to say so there. :D

Why God made Mums - BRILLIANT

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions !!!

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mum just the same like he made me. He Just used
bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything
nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly
use string, I think.

Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mum?
1.We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mums like
me.

What kind of little girl was your mum?
1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be
pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and
YES to chores?

Why did your mum marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mum eats a
lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mum didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a
goof ball.
2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under
the bed.
3. I guess Mum is, but only because she has a lot more
to do than dad.

What's the difference between mums & dads?
1. Mums work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at
work.
2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but mums have all the real power
'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your
friend's.

4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mum do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mum perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind
of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mum, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get
rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister
who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the
back of her head.
========
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwww... mishu ma!

letter read

Time passes by while I wait for your call
Time passes by; I hear nothing at all

And I'm afraid, and I can't breathe,
And I'm in love with you
But you are not with me
And I have put so much into a life
I made too much about you now to lie

-Rachael Yamagata

===

SHIT! this again! GO AWAY ill fate! bug someone else!

"It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt." - Rami Belson

that quote makes better sense. i'm on to something with a better tune than hopeful hopes. this is as far as it gets. resolve, WORK this time 'round, if you please!

it's irksome how i always end up ranting hazy mind speak! i'm not in my best condition, and add to that, jack johnson songs are playing (one of virginal's recommends)! this is great! *grim face* thanks for rubbing it in vaginal! i can hear the bomb steadily tickin' smack in the middle of my shrivelled brain, it's frustrating! my head's gonna blow sooner or later!

if only the jedi council would fill back the hollow caused by the force being cut off from me.. all i can hear now are disturbing echoes (and yes, the ticking). TOINK! it's as if i can't feel the universe. DOUBLE TOINK! to any jedi master who happens to read this knight's desperate plea for help, please give me back my connection and viridian double-bladed lightsaber (darth maul style, ofcourse!) so that i can fully operate as a force-user again. i miss dismembering sith agents! :(

pweh! this isn't getting me anywhere!somebody strike me down with a back-to-your senses hammer! hit me hard enough to get my rationality workin' but not too much to cause brain trauma, ayt?

hahay, me and my wild imaginings..

oh crap! look at the time, chewy and the rest must be waiting for me. i was sent to fetch the latest navicomputer, you see but i just had to make a quick stop in some backwater planet's internet cafe (yes, we still call it that :P). but then again, this has bought me some time to breathe cleaner air compared to that of the ship's gamorreanesque stink. and to think we've gone as far as hyperspace travel yet the rest of the crew can't seem to figure out an air freshener's press-to-spray mechanism. i'll go pick lysol-EX right before we pull the anchor. this is Nacel Zhili, signing out.

take a bow

Make them laugh, it comes so easy
When you get to the part
Where you're breaking my heart
Hide behind your smile
All the world loves a clown
Wish you well, I cannot stay
You deserve an award
For the role that you played
No more masquerade
You're one lonely star

-madonna
=====

thanks ods for singing this song. i had a great time at the karaoke with no one unfortunate enough to listen to my singing(?). was it? it sounded more like screaming with a tinge of country/punk/rock to it. hehehe.. you let out caged thoughts into the light, squirming.

this is just nuthr one of those nights. it will pass. spare me. :D

a scratch is enough

konbanwa! look who's back.. i am! not that i'm expecting fireworks to greet my return (it wudv been nice tho) but don'tcha miss me? yes, i'm talking to you! since you're the only one who ever bothers to peruse through this page. so i'm back. what now? uhm you see, i've been kinda busy trying to make something out of the weekend. whether it interests you or not, i'll still tell no matter how pointless. let's begin. i went to the mall and watched three movies in one day.
- ice age 2 was crazy! my favourite part was when sid was crowned as the mini sloths' fire king and they did this impressive tribal number, only to be made a sacrificial offering. it was also good to see more of manfred's soft side even though he maintained being the unapologetic mammoth that he was. it was a fun movie all in all and if you took it in, you'll learn something very important: mammoths can confuse themselves for something else (possums for that matter). i'm not sure if humans have the same luxury. hahaha...

- next up was ultraviolet. i found it having relied on special effects too much, if only to compensate for milla jovovich's detached portrayal of violet. the only moment worth mentioning was the dialogue between v and garth, which went like this, g: "why won't you let anyone in?" v: "as beautiful as those moments are, they're evil when they're gone." i agree with her on that, indeed it is an evil thing - traitorous. but now that i'm past that, let me give my final verdict on the film. the movie's overall presentation was "stylish" and it can't get any deeper than that.
- finally, i trodded on to the third cinema showing the date movie, which turned out to be a lousy teen-movie spoof of previous romantic-comedies. if it weren't for alyson hannigan, i wouldn't have bothered. sheeesh... i miss willow! she's better off playing the ruthless lesbo witch in buffy the vampire slayer coz i just can't see her not throwing black balls of mystic energy. plus, she had the best looking evil eyes ever. BLACK!
after binging on movies, i bought a new murakami novel, south of the border, west of the sun. i have a new book to while away my time with! yahoo!
other than those i mentioned, i also went out with cousins back from manila and cebu. B's back with her stories and her beach-outing plans. and Lai, will find a place for us back in boni! YEY! i pray everything will work out! please Lord! :)
"You may feel inspired by some surprising revelations today. Keep travel in mind." i'll put that in mind dear horo. but what's inspiration without a huge dose of active integration, ryt? that wasn't supposed to rhyme.. errr.. i can't wait till after holy week. it will be better. i just know it. here's my stop. sayonara!

wapak!

i feel sorry for superheroes, especially when they hafta put others first before themselves. why do they have to be burdened with that responsibility? its not like they chose to be born that way! can't people at least be thankful that they use their powers for good and not think of it as a mass privilege. others say that's what they have to deal with because that's what they're supposed to do - their purpose. but when will they ever have the time to do what they want and not do what others want them to? yes, superheroes save the day (everyday) but hey.. give em some slack. i don't know about you, but they deserve a day off since i'm sure, that in the back of their minds, they're itching to have some r&r. vacation, anyone? what's a day or two to take matters in our own hands AND not dial the superheroes-do-it-for-ya hotline, ryt?

i know it's a bit off topic but i was watching naruto (ninjas this time. hehe..) and i remembered an early episode when sasuke was unconscious (he looked like a human pin cushion after battling with haku) and sakura was trying mighty hard to hold back her tears (but ofcourse being the sissy that she is, she cried eventually). why'd she push herself not to cry you ask? you see, it's in their handbook - rule number 25 states that the mission comes first, being attached/giving in to emotions is a no no. this is a fairly important guideline for em maybe because it enables them to think rationally/unclouded. right, right! it's the most logical option but hey, one can't have the mind rule all of the time. honestly, no human can live up to that credo... i know i can't! why is it that some people allow themselves to be dictated by the "mission?"

i'm not getting anywhere, am i? those are the only analogies i could ever think of. garsh, i suck. hehehe... the fact of the matter is, i'm no superhero/ninja and yet i sure feel like i have a lot on my already aching shoulders. i may not be as passionate as superheroes or as zealous as ninjas, but hey, i do have superheroic/ninjaesque tendencies. God, help! i can't be this semi-mindless robot forever. i need a break, a KITKAT (i'll have them make a mega-sized variant that'll take a full year to gobble up)! if not then i'll have my kunai at the ready and it just might go flying your way, or would you rather have kinetically charged cards at you? choose your pick. pfffft... i would give anything just to fly right now. wait, im not that desperate yet. anything. something, maybe.

before all of this dawned on me i was uploading a few songs for my bolt account. you might find something attuned to your tastes (but i'm not counting on it) so check it out if you must.

o-yasumi nasai! ohayou! whatever.

Back then

"Oo"

Di mo lang alam, naiisip kita
Baka sakali lang maisip mo ako
Di mo lang alam, hanggang sa gabi
Inaasam makita kang muli
Nagtapos ang lahat sa di inaasahang
Panahon at ngayon ako'y iyong iniwang
Luhaang sugatan't di-mapakinabangan
Sana nagtanong ka lang kung di mo lang alam
Sana'y nagtanong ka lang kung di mo lang alam
Ako'y iyong nasaktan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo namang
Hindi mo lang alam kay tagal nang panahon
Ako'y nandirito parin hanggang ngayon, para sayo
Lumipas mga araw na ubod ng saya
Di parin nagbabago ang aking pagsinta
Kung ako'y nagkasala, patawad na sana
Ang puso kong pagal ngayon lang nagmahal
Di mo lang alam ako'y iyong nasaktan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo namang
Puro siya nalang sana'y ako naman
Di mo lang alam ika'y minamasdan
Sana'y iyong mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam
Di mo lang alam, kahit tayo'y magkaibigan lang
Bumabalik lahat sa tuwing nag kukulitan
Baka sakali lang, maisip mo namang
Ako'y nandito lang, hindi mo lang alam
Matalino ka naman
Kung ikaw, at ako ay tunay na bigo
Sa laro na ito, ay dapat bang sumuko
Sana'y di ka nalang pala aking nakilala
Kung alam ko lang ako'y yong masasaktan ng ganito
Sana'y nakinig nalang ako sa nanay ko
Di mo lang alam ako'y iyong nasaktan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo namang
Puro siya nalang o, sana'y ako naman
Di mo lang alam ika'y minamasdan
Sana'y iyong mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam...
Malas mo.. Ikaw ang natipuhan ko
Di mo lang alam ako'y iyong nasaktan

=====

Lucky you, I never squealed. Don't fret. My sentiments are of the past tense. Even without your knowing, thank you for making it easier for me.

And on a lighter note, Final Fantasy 12 was just released in Japan! aaaaaaaah... I can't wait for the American release. 'Em pirates better be quick.

I no longer feel like a moth to sad songs. Congratulate me. :D

warning

i had another one of my quirky dream episodes last night. then, somebody was dancing ecstatically (with arms flailing about) on a dismal stage while taunting me to dance. i dont want to point out the strange details but it was darn funny in an immensely unexpected way. can it get any weirder? i must be close to breaking my sane-insane limit huh? sound the alarm!

i dont think so...

Elvin, your true color is Blue!


You're blue — the most soothing shade of the spectrum. The color of a clear summer sky or a deep, reflective ocean, blue has traditionally symbolized trust, solitude, and loyalty. Most likely a thoughtful person who values spending some time on your own, you'd rather connect deeply with a few people than have a bunch of slight acquaintances. Luckily, making close friends isn't that hard, since people are naturally attracted to you — they're soothed by your calming presence. Cool and collected, you rarely overreact. Instead, you think things through before coming to a decision. That level-headed, thoughtful approach to life is patently blue — and patently you!
What's Your True Color?
=====

say what? this can't be me, can it?

Luckily, making close friends isn't that hard, since people are naturally attracted to you — they're soothed by your calming presence. - what the fart!? dont make me laugh.

other than that, there's a tad bit of truth with the result (all good points ofcourse. hehe) but i would've wanted it to be black coz it plays well with my "gothic" ensemble. tough! nyaha! just messin' with ya. :P