Siguro...

dimalas jud ko. Murag naay nakakabit nga sumpa. Tungod ba ni sa akong pagtrato nimo sauna? Dugay najud ta wala nagsturya bha… makamingaw bya pero kabalo ko nga mas maayo rapod ning ing-ani ky unyag makasakit napod ko nimo. Pero kabalo ka… feeling nako nakarma ko tungod sa akong nabuhat nimo. Palpak kaayo ko sa daghang butang. Ambot kung hantud kanus-a ko magdala ani pero anad naman kog hulat so kabalo ko nga mahuman rani. Pero wala tika gibasol ani hah… Unta mubalik lang tong sauna… kung kanus-a simple pa ang tanan na magkanchaway lang ta. Lingaw pa kaayo to bha? Maghuna huna lang ko nimo ky magkatawa nako, mura kog amaw. Hehehehe… matingala gud na akong mga kauban ky mura daw kog buang ky magtisngi lang sa kilid. Wala sila kabalo nga dugay nakong buang. Hahahaha… Wala lang. Gimingaw lang jud ko nimo unya daghan na kaayo kog ganahan isturya nimo… Oh well, kung kelangan nimo ug listening ear or a good laugh I'm always available… that is if naa pakay plano musturya nako... Just remember na basta nimo I'm just around... ayaw lang unta hulata kung kanus-a wala nako... ewan... I miss you and Merry Xmas!

just so i'd remember

i shud've posted this back in january nho? pero better late than never matod pa ni.. ambot kinsay niingon. wahehehe.. so so so..

The year that was 2005
1. during summer, we had our OJT in cebu. fun.
2. boozing, yo-ing like crazy - tried everything. NASTY
3. night-out sessions with ysai at the children's park, city hall, jollibee, el centro, etc. i miss those.
4. saturday nights were reserved for d'zyr - where li used to sing. fan here. :P
5. went out with cousins on several saturdays. pasingot dayun ang tandu. wahahaha..

dates to remember:
Oct 9 - ehem. perfect night. Starry starry night. lol
Oct 14 - sai, elvin and lulu. maghubo unta to si virginal. LOL. dead wasted in BATC
Oct 17 - iced tea sa darrens. ysai and lu. pekchur pekchur
Oct 20 - dance and voice class sa family room nilang lulu with ysai
Oct 21 - naabot si ods ug nabungkag tanan. hahahaha
Oct 22 - darren's with gian, sai, ods and lu. aguy noy!
Oct 24 - arvin, hospicio, ods, lulu and ysai. inom at lulu's unya nagsuka ko sa ilang guest room ug ISAW. Wala pajud nako gilimpyuhan! Bad! nyaha!
Oct 26 - lady's burger nagkanta kanta. A whole new wooooorld~ wahahaha the best!!!!
Oct 31 - lulu's bday sa dzyr! yahoo! Naa pajud cake gibake si sai ani.. awwwwww
skip to December ky secret ang November. wahahaha...
Dec 2 – lingaw ni nga adlaw ky daghan nahitabo namung saldi. wahaha
Dec 9 – middleton ky bday ni aki! hubog na ni!!!
Dec 17 - CSM christmas party with lu and jade. nakit-an si **o**. car broke down at lu's. busa nagjogging ko at 3am! aguy noy! nyaha
Dec 21 - gazpachos with mitzie and lulu.. fine dining kunuhay unya sisig rajud among gikaon!!! hahaha.. lami bitaw. nakiginom dayun si mitz sa BATC
Dec 27 - Grade school reunion sa BATC. lingaw ug update update sa kinabuhi.
Dec 28 - High school reunion at Jay's place. magicsing. inom. sayaw. yebah!city hall after with gian, shek, ods, and saldi
Dec 29 - BATC napod with with mt. basa, ods and pussy p. gisapot mi atong geisha sa i love sushi. nyeh.
Dec 30 - sexy friday! shek, ods, saldi and emily g. eldran pod. daghan ug uwagan. yehey! hahahaha..
Dec 31 - just befor 12mn... city hall with ods and saldi.. awwwww.. kakyut!
Jan 2 - sawi session mi ni saldi. 5 bottles of beer for me, 2 iyaha.. clarity!
Jan 3 - arvin, gian and lu sa BATC. had gianinna drive to arvin's! yey!

after that.. nagcram na dayun sa school.. wahahaha..

================

The year that was (is pa diay.. gamay nalang kulang) 2006… (mag-english napod para serious... hehehe)

A lot has happened this year. I can still remember what I prayed for even before 2006 began; I asked for twelve months of eventfulness, and eventful it was, still is. I experienced the horrors of thesis-work, fearing I wouldn’t graduate but graduate I did. I was off to work that very month, only to quit several months after. I enjoyed my independence as well as feel the loneliness of having been far from my family. I met new people, made friends and even said goodbye to a few. I’ve been to places I’ve only heard/seen on tv and those where I shouldn’t have been. My family moved for the 1^st time in 21 years and yet I still can’t call our new house a home. Who would have thought that I could go quite far in a year, only to fall back at square one? Yes this has been a year of firsts for me. Many unexpected things happened and I'm sure more will come. The fire dog hasn't been good to me but I know that it’s all for the best. I'll just charge it to experience. Now that it's almost over, what does the fire pig have in store for me, for us? Oh well, we can only expect the worst and hope for the best (diba Dorz? :P). Okay, I'm done yammering, now I'm happy. Cheers to all of us! To another year rich with life but more importantly to the affirmation that it is indeed worth living (diba Salds? :D)! Keep praying, keep living! God Bless one and all!

As for my Christmas wish for everyone: I wish you peace but more than this I wish you love! :P Happy Xmas!

question

Cryptic words meander
Now there is a song beneath the song
One day you'll learn
You'll soon discern its true meaning
An interesting detachment
A listless poem of love sincere
Desire, despair
Overlapping melodies

Oh now the roots are reminiscing
Recurring dreams of minor chords
Metred time
Muted chimes find the beat

And in the pulse there lies conviction
A steady push and pull routine
The cymbals swell
High notes flail into reach

And it's not a love, it's not a love
It's not a love, it's not a love song
It's not a love, it's not a love, it's not a love song
It's not a love, it's not a love, it's not a love song

Song Beneath a Song by Maria Taylor

=====

"by the power of the written word to make you hear, to make you feel... before all, to make you see. That — and no more, and it is everything. If I succeed, you shall find there according to your deserts: encouragement, consolation, fear, charm — all you demand — and, perhaps, also that glimpse of truth for which you have forgotten to ask."

~Joseph Conrad's the Nigger of the Narcissus

hohum napod

hohum... im bored. every idle minute's wasted on... silly/foolish thougts. and... i miss you. hahay...

nevermore

i found my way back on that spot

with a brown toad skipping about
through rusty steel fences
to claw up on rocky dirt mounds
its been hours, the orb spider stops
she has woven enough of her masterpiece
all thats left is to lie in wait
for prey to be caught in her trap
a sudden gust of wind flies
and makes its presence known to all
harrassing the greenery about
still the defiant tree stands
for the life of me, i wonder
how far can the toad climb its mountain?
how long will the spider's web hold?
how much can the tree bend before it breaks?
why do they never wail in protest?
their patience is great
but mine has run out
because no stars shone in the moonsea
save for one that fell on me
only to snuff out the last of my light
so for those of you headed this way
know the travails to come
throw yourselves in the midst of danger
but keep one eye open at night

death of her

everyday she used to think about you
even when you didn't fit anywhere in her life
but how could you smile now
now when the answer in her mind has gone stale
for that question you never risked to ask
she's reminded of how you left her cold
when all she wants is to forget
purged and killed your person
torn and ripped you off of her chest
you shouldn't be here
and with your advance, she steels herself
praying to be kept from your illusions
and that when she leaves to take another form
she chooses to be anything in her next life
but an elephant who remembers her dead

:((

this is the lost ending to calvin and hobbes. it's quite sad. poor, poor hobbes... got me thinking though... i wish i had calvin's pills. *sighs*


*i stole this from doo . i couldn't help it. :D she just got to it first coz blahblahblahblah.. wahahaha.. peace doobidoo.

suki de doushiyou mo nai

Doushite onaji you na panchi
Nando mo kuracchaun da

Koi wo shite owari wo tsuge
Chikau koto wa kyou ga saisho no good day

Aki no dorama no saihousou
Sore demo mata tatakaun darou

Sakura sae toki no naka de
Yurete yagate hana wo sakasu yo

O yasumi nasai
Yoi yume o

===

Sayonara! ;P

pahungaw

gisapot ko karon! i am at my wit's end!!! sige nalang kog ka-ipit sa problema!!!!! leche!!!!!!!!!!! dont make the choices i made sound like it was what i really wanted!!!! gikapoy najud ko ani nga style!!! peste!!! palihog ayaw ko i-pressure karun coz i'm still dealing with the unfair judgment you laid down!!!! i want to go away coz i'm so tired of all this drama!!!!!!!!! soooos.. kung sayun lang jud nga magpalayo, dugay rako nilayo!!! pero dili ko escapist kaya pasalamat jud ky taas kog pasensya!!!!! magpa-ugat pa kog maayo ani! i was trying my best to keep my cool pero kelangan jud ko magpahungaw ky napuno najud ko!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhh... kalami ishagit!!! Lord, tabangi ko ky matuluyan najud kog ka-buang ani.. please.

----

The Bottom Line

You're approaching a critical point. Look upon this day like any other.

In Detail

In a business or school environment, you are approaching a critical point ... but you should look upon this day like any other. The worst thing you can do right now is let yourself get intimidated by certain expectations. If you overthink things, you'll lose perspective and could sell yourself short. If you are feeling a bit uncertain, lean on the folks around you who can help cheer you on or cheer you up. Remember that you know exactly what to do and how to do it.

----

tagos bha?! so who's willing to cheer me up? sige na... hahay... tough.

*can you keep a secret?

soon

Take care
I've been hurt before
Too much time spent on closing doors
You may hate me, but I'll remember to love you
Goodbye
Don't cry
You know why
And it'll be just as quiet when I leave
As it was when I first got here
I don't expect anything
I don't expect anything

All the waves of blame arrange as broken scenery
As they steal your best memories away
What if I was someone different in your only history?
Would you feel the same
As I walk out the door
Never to see your face again
Never to see your face again

And it'll be just as quiet when I leave
As it was when I first got here
It'll be just as quiet when I leave
As it was when I first got here
I don't expect anything
I don't expect anything
I don't expect anything
I don't expect anything
I don't expect anything
I don't expect anything to change when I leave

~Rachael Yamagata - Quiet
===

yes, very soon...

virgohoro 9/29/06

The Bottom Line

Pick up your feet and get moving toward what you want right now. Just get up and go!

In Detail

If you're waiting for someone to give you their approval to move forward with your plans, you're wasting your time. You don't need any approval from anyone to do what you want to do today ... could you be looking for an excuse to put things off a little longer? Silly you -- don't you know that procrastination is out of style? Pick up your feet and get moving toward what you want right now, because there's no reason for any hesitation. Just get up and go!

====

really now? i'm stuck in a rut and i just cant get out of it... elvin is a prisoner and freedom is past tense.

meet me

to those who are awfully concerned,

i've been home for almost a month and i really miss the past four months i spent elsewhere. hahay... i would've stayed longer if it weren't for my fruitless exploits. still, i had a blast! thanks to the people i've met and chilled with. nyehehehe...

i miss my blue mansion buddies and their trademark lines:
Bababe - 'bakit ang nacua, magaling sa sex?' bwahahahahaha.. leche ka mel! mingaw nako nimong manyaka ka! bleh! hanggang lips ka lang. lol
KR - 'spell raden... KR!' maski NR (No Response) ni.. ambot nalang jud. asa man tawon ang mama ug papa aning bata?
Squaredy - 'put your ai squared in, put your ai squared out...' balik balik imong luto namo hah! sumo na kaayo ang monggos.. pero oks lang basta ba't musayaw ug Like A Virgin.
Ate Che - *yosi exhalation technique* hahahahaha.. da best. we love ate cheeee...
Lioness - 'wan, to, tre!' champion ni mahubog! and champion sa PDA with Huge.

my cassandras:
Iceland - 'cass, wag ang pekpek ko! ahhhh... rapist!' wala na akong ma-harrass.. dont worry at babanatan kita if and when i get back. hehehe
Langai - 'cass, naay ok-ok!' peste.. hahahaha.. mao ni ang bad influence nako. bleh! di unta niya ni mabasa. :D masbug-at pa raba imong gipadala nga pasalubong kesa sa akong bagahe hah!
Aki - 'huy cass! kahadlok bha! dad-on na tika sa mandaluyong loob bhe!' hahay.. ug naghilak-hilak ni ron ky gimingaw nako.. lol. joke. huy, ingna si baby katong gibilin nako niya ky dapat niya ampingan!

i miss my officemates (PS friends) as well.. nica, rocelle, jeffrey, lurshlee, teeets, airlan, etc.. and lan i still havent returned your ps2 game. shet. just think of that as a parting gift coz i dont think i can work on my clearance anytime soon. nic, just hang in there! you'll do great! :D hehehe.. i miss my solo lunchbreaks mostly spent in kfc, tokyo tokyo, mcdo or sa jolijip. ahhhh.. turbo treats honey mustard and szechuan rice bowl meal!! and yes, i miss my kras. aaaah.. smoking balcony i mishu too. ahahahaha.. :P

gawd, i'll be missing jom, mikki, lu, amping and our nightouts. those were very fun times however rare. avilon zoo/wawa dam was a blast! like i always say "ITS THE JOURNEY, NOT THE DESTINATION." lol! and lu... i'd never forget our coffee sessions in starbs, sbc, figaro and ofcourse CBTL. those precious times wouldn't be the same without em trademark umbrellas! haaaay.. we used to adjourn our sessions round 2am despite the fact that we have work several hours later. twas the life! hohum.. :D and and and.. i told you i'd find the ant.. it just took one mass (which i missed a whole lot btw) for it to happen. i told ya so! hahaha..

cassandras, remember how we used to go out at 10pm almost every night and ride off from one end of the metro to another? ahhh.. i miss that. we've went to all the party places/tambayans worth going to. chillax on weekdays and wasted on weekends. perfect! :D plus, we always went to SM North on sundays for church and meet up with baby after. the days.. tell him he shud treat me to mr. kabab when i get the chance to visit. ahhhh.. t5 sa pioneer grill and then washing/videosingko sa rj's bulalohan! what about our bus/mrt rush hour adventures?! huhuhuhuhu...

and i'll be missing those people who i know would make uber great friends if i had more to time to get to know them better. awww.. for those i failed to meet, treated me out, got to know in random places, etc. i will make it up to you guys SOMEHOW. but while i ain't around, just a word of advice: CHILLAX. :D

basta... i miss a lot of things, places, people, animals, events... all nouns. there's so much to write about and i'll simply run out of space if i'll blabber on.

hohum.. after all that im back to square one at twenty one (uy rhyme! hehehe). yet again, i'm off to find a new job or most probably go back to school. blech. just when i thought i'd find myself there and live a meaningful life, you know? i guess i havent.. and the search is still on. but would i even like me if i met me? wehh..

hahay... things will be better, i know. take it from the champion of hoping be it false or true or tralse. i'm no longer making sense, am i?

oh well.. i just wanna be happy, take it from where i can get it and keep it for as long as i can.

CHILL!

sincerely yours,
me

P.S.
happiness, where do you go when you're gone? i miss you!

this is her story

She feels like crying to attain some sense of justice but all she could ever muster was a heavy heart with a fainting beat. She wonders if he matters enough, enough for tears to spill from her welling eyes. When she looks at him, who she sees makes her tomorrows but when he looks at her, all he ever finds is a friend. And after a long time of staring into space, she throws me a question, ‘when will I ever weep for that which never existed from the start?’

I fall silent.

He only wants her the way he wants her. He is the sea and like sand on the shore, she wants to be a part of him, completely. Pushed away and pulled back again, she rises up, breaks and falls, forever…

'I love him, ardently,' she says. I felt that word, once. I know this story all too well.

And as if on cue the moonless sky mimics what our hearts seek to hide. 'Its raining. There goes your answer,' I finally reply.

I sip my coffee, hoping to achieve a moment's peace in a cup. All is still.

'What shall happen tonight?'

thousandth hahay

The sun isn't as magnificent as it used to when you were still around. I want to tell you that but I don't know if I should...

Gawd. I miss you. Badly.

a halloween story

You are a spirit that sprung out of a chance encounter. It’s curious how I’m the only one to see you when we both float in circumstances shared by many others. That’s why all I could make out are pieces that never fall into place. But what I do know is this; we are the same you and I, ghosts, bound to empty husks forever playing out an unfinished score, a song carrying a hollow tune that never reaches past the twisted note seated next to finality. Yet somehow, very much like an echo that can’t be ignored, yours overpowered mine and it pierced through the anonymity that we anxiously protect. And now that is all that resounds in the haunting where I subsist.

It saddens me to see your beautiful form in unrest, drowned in violent waves that incessantly crash against an unmoving cliff. Yes, I tried to pull you out of your desolation but when I did, a blink was all it took for my hand to easily fly through yours. I knew what was coming for we are numb creatures who would rather spin a broken record than yield to the mended piece. But if your absolution is my song’s meaning then I'll find a way...

I have fallen mute to the world but it matters not because no man will ever find reason why a ghost means to touch a ghost.

Clock

Timer stops now.

No.

But why?

Maybe because you’re the only one around…

I want to treat you differently but you don’t plan on having that realized, do you?

Let’s play it by ear.

I guess you’re too confident to admit anything, knowing that I’ve been waiting on you. Aren’t you tired because I’m getting there fast?

Ambiguity is fine with me.

It once was. You keep me guessing. That’s all you could ever give me... I wish I knew your face so that you’ll no longer be a stranger to me. But I will have to settle with this, don’t I?

I don’t know.

Stars fall, you know and I’m hanging on for yours... Oh well, if not in this lifetime there’s always the next. Won’t you say goodbye and get this over with?

You’re funny.

And you once said that you’re amused with making some people bleed. Am I on that same list because if I am, I’m an ounce close to drying out?

*sighs*

It’ll be a year in three months. Why don’t you make those hands tick faster so that I’ll get there sooner?

…

Please rid me of this illusion, so I wouldn’t have to ask questions you’d never answer.

what's your wish?

i wish i never cared so that I wouldn't be dying everyday. mao lang na. bow. thank you.

take a hint

Doh! Sumo sa tanang sumo! You always end up messing your life and you run to me, asking for whatever comfort you can get. But no matter how many times we talk, nothing I say ever gets through to you. For countless times, I’ve sincerely offered you my counsel, you say you’ll try and then the next thing I know we’re back to zero.

I am sick, sick of you for piling up one problem after another and having me hear it over and over again. I’ve been your scapegoat for so long. Yes, I understand that I’m the only person you can really talk to but whatever-we’re-in right now, it’s not helping the both of us. You’re not learning and at the same time the weight of whatever-we-have isn’t getting me anywhere. It was fun but I can’t be just the shrink forever. I have problems too, you know, and I plan on resolving them. And the first on my list, is YOU.

You should know that I hate goodbyes but with you it’s not as difficult as I expected it to be. I had fun last night. Why? Because I never got to think about you, worry about you, talk about you. Not having you around in every waking minute of my day might make my life better.
But you should know that while writing this I felt my conscience throwing boulders at me. Don’t ever think that you didn’t matter because you DID. Well, maybe you still do for just a tiny bit. Aftershocks I guess. I’ve spent so many months with you and that’s enough to have me pick a handful of wonderful moments to bring with me. The times we shared were beautiful but I want something that’s consistent, clear, tangible… something deeper. A validation of all of those things you never gave me, things you could never give. I know it’s selfish, I know it may be unfair on your part because you’ve never done anything harsh but there’s always a time when one needs to move out of unproductive relationships. As for me, that time is now.

Sayonara. Ciao. Au Revoir. Adios. Goodbye.

It should’ve just been you I bid farewell to and not... someone else. Hahay. It’s bothersome having to start over again but I’ll find someone who’ll show me why it never worked between you and me.

Time will reveal.

sorta goodbye

Yes, i am the wind,
flying past one desert to another.
and you are the Bedouin, burnt dry,
yet too proud to wash yourself with me

I would have been the one carrying the rain,
water that would quell your long drought.
But never given that chance,
I am spent.

I will run past dunes and sandstorms, again,
when i would've wanted to stay a bit longer.
Still, I am content at that one shot
of having been able to cool your parched soul.

I have lingered enough in your oasis
and so with flight i will find closure.
And though the relief i could’ve given is rare,
those days are gone.


***

its funny how you spurred me to draw near although the nearest i could get was still too far to see your face yet close enough to see your chains. i would've unchained you if you wanted me to but you didn't. i guess i'll never be the boy who'll set you free. now, i'm so far from home but i haven't gone anywhere.

=====

this post is long overdue. i am happy (?)

sanamanipud

it seems that the only option i have right now is to wait for that star with your name to fall. please make this easier for me.