stars

to A:

you are a mystery to me and I to you, complete strangers to one another. but at the back of my mind, I can feel your stare. you have piqued my interest yet i know it's best to leave things as they are. deadlocked by distance, restrained by doubt. for what it's worth, let it remain etched in the midnight sky among stars. you may not see it my way... but i hope you comprehend.

i am left in the middle. and i opt to stay that way. regret is imperative but i only wish to save you from my frustrations. i would be lying if i said i had no intentions of gving it a shot, and in truth i want to try but trying might only push me deeper into hopelessness. i pray that the fates be good to you and that you might fare better than i have.

Only When I Sleep

You're only just a dreamboat
Sailing in my head
You swim my secret oceans
Of coral blue and red
Your smell is incense burning
Your touch is silken yet
It reaches through my skin
And moving from within
It clutches at my breast


But it's only when I sleep
See you in my dreams
You got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But I only hear you breathe

Somewhere in my sleep
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But its only when I sleep


And when I wake from slumber
Your shadow's disappear
Your breath is just a sea mist
Surrounding my body
I'm workin' through the daytime
But when it's time to rest
I'm lying in my bed
Listening to my breath
Falling from the edge
But it's only when I sleep


See you in my dreams
You got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But I only hear you breathe

Somewhere in my sleep
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But its only when I sleep
It's only when I sleep


Up to the sky
Where angels fly
I'll never die
Hawaiian High
In bed I lie
No need to cry
My sleeping cry
Hawaiian High


It's reaching through my skin
Movin' from within
Clutches at my breasts
But it's only when I sleep....


See you in my dreams
You got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But I only hear you breathe

Somewhere in my sleep
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But its only when I sleep


Up to the sky
Where angels fly
I'll never die
Hawaiian High
In bed I lie
No need to cry
My sleeping cry
Hawaiian High


~I heard this from some crummy internet cafe. It's the song that best describes how I feel at this moment minus the "clutching" part. :P

Why

I was sitting beside Y-U on a pile of bricks (How unromantic, I know!), and we were talking with candor. It felt good talking with Y-U, the feeling you get when you're all giddy and excited, playing with your first pet dog. When all of a sudden the atmosphere got all cheesy. It wasn't long until Y-U advanced into more "delicate" matters. Out of the discussion Y-U asked for a kiss. And so I complied, with force. We were both caught off-guard with what just happened but it felt good. We talked on and on until a warm gust of wind reached me. Just as I entertained the warmth, it vanished as fast as it came about, and then I opened my eyes only to find out that it was just a dream.

I know it's cheesy and it had to be the weirdest dream of my life since I first became conscious. Im clueless as to how Y-U managed to fit in and the reason why I called this person Y-U since the first question that sprang into my mind right after I woke up was "Why you?" Y-U's been out of my mind for so long and Im baffled how "this" came about. We never had a deep connection and all this time I treated Y-U as just another "friend," up until this. The scary thing is, I wanted to get back to that dream.. if only to find myself with Y-U again. I know it's close to impossible for this to happen in reality but I can't help but wonder. If only I can run back to my dreams to sate this longing.

What is my subconscious telling me? I guess the things Ive been running away from have finally caught up with me and manifested into this very dream. Strange... I dont know how to address this and all I can come up are questions. Maybe I've fooled myself all this time? Maybe I've been a hypocrite all these years? Maybe just maybe... I'm better off freeing myself from these shackles I've carried with me ever since. If only it were that easy, I would have done it a long time ago.

I wish to dream again, if only to find myself back in that same picture. Let me delve into thoughts free of worry and tensions that stem from this harsh world. I know kids are best left with this but what is there to lose if I wish for dreams to come true?

happy

we talked. we laughed. we said our goodbyes. it was tempting not to leave but i did, if only to make myself look unattached. it may be all for naught but i am happy even for just this moment . . .

Deliverance

Here you are again.
I can feel you breath down my neck.
Whispering her name while whistling those killer melodies.
You give me a face of an angel like you once had.
And I am nothing but a creature of habit running away in circles,

But I was found by this person that flew me up high.
Now I see clearly, I'm telling you to let go of me.

Now that I've found my way back home, where I belong.
No longer a slave running away in circles
because I've been found by this person, who flew me high.

Get out of my head.
Get out of my soul.
Get out my dreams.
Get out of my house.
Get out of my life.

Get out. Get out. Get out. (Repeat)
No longer a slave…

No longer a slave running away in circles
because I've been found by this person, who flew me high. (repeat)

~In love with the words that form out the feeling . . .

running

"Running"

Run
Running all the time
Running to the future
With you right by my side

Me
I'm the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most
I'm so sorry that I'm falling
Help me up lets keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love

[Chorus:]
Running, running
As fast as we can
Do you think we'll make it?
(Do you think we'll make it?)
We're running
Keep holding my hand
It's so we don't get separated

Be
Be the one I need
Be the one I trust most
Don't stop inspiring me
Sometimes it's hard to keep on running
We work so much to keep it going
Don't make me want to give up

[Repeat chorus twice]

(The future)

[Repeat chorus]

~Where to now?

Sea of blue

I swim. Deeper into the blue that you threw me into. You gave me a headstart. I felt like I was in control, as if, I was the one driving the wheel. I loved it. You gave me the chance to taste what it was like to be mature and you taught me to take on steady strokes. I swam and I never tired of swimming, up until now.

You made me believe that i was quite the charmer, of wit and coyness, a boy. Everybody says so but when it comes from you it's "just" different, you indulged in my childishness because you saw something more than that. or was it, what you wanted me to believe? I made you think that it was all a game for me, that nothing serious will surface from this. And it was what I intended it to be, but you unknowingly changed the rules for me. I obliged and followed your stride. I had fun playing with you, and just when I thought I grew out of playing, you left. Without any explanation you left me in the very middle of things just when I was sure you'll help me across, right when I was clinging on to you to help me through this.

I was scared, puzzled, helpless. But then, I had to be strong. I met people along the way who were motivated by the same objective of finding a way across. They thought I could help them through this. They had confidence in what I could do for them, when all the while I never found that in me because I still felt like a child gripping on to an entity who's no longer there for me to look up to. I avoided forming intimate relationships with others because I didnt want to fail you, and too proud to prove to you that I could make it on my own. I was so focused on you that I lost sight of people who could've filled in the hole that you made. I hurt people even though it wasnt my real intention but I'll just have to deal with that. Let them hate me for those reasons because I know I just saved them from bigger pain, me.

I used to pity people who continue to root for their false hopes and with the way things turned out I became another one down that very list. Oh, the irony of things.

Maybe I am clinging on an empty dream one where you'll pull me out of the sea of blue you put me in to. And so here I am. Still waiting. Still swimming. Im tired but I continue to hope . . .

ire

it hurts having to hurt people. it hurts some more that they continue hurting for the love of you. how long will I get on with this? when will you find me? up until there are a host of others in my wake?

inner smile

(one, two, three, four)
Yeh, yeh
Yeh, yeh
Yeh, yeh
Yeh, yeh
Yeh, yeh
Yeh, yeh
Oh yeh

You gave me something
Like loving
And took me in so soon
You took my feelings
From nothing
Came back at noon
Just meet me
I’m ready
To show myself to you

So if I lose my patience
You must try to understand
(try to understand)
If I lose my patience
Oh yeh

Cause you make me feel
Cause you make me feel wild
You touch my inner smile
You got me in the mood
So come on and make your rule
And free me

You make my wishes
As much as
Your kisses make me blue
You’ve found my river
Now will you
Escape away too
But baby
I’m ready
I’m falling into you

So if I lose my patience
You must try to understand
(try to understand)
If I lose my patience
Oh yeh

Cause you make me feel
Cause you make me feel wild
You touch my inner smile
You got me in the mood
So come on and make your rule
And free me

Free me
Free me
Wow wow wow
Wow wow wow
Wow yeh

Cause you make me feel wild
You touch my inner smile
You got me in the mood
So come on and make your rule
And touch my inner smile

Come get my inner smile
Smile
Smile
Yeh yeh

Sometimes I need to be alone
There’s times I need for you to phone
Sometimes you make me feel so high
There’s times I ask myself why
Sometimes I need to be alone
There’s times...

---

It's just a song I'm singing. But really, who will get to touch my inner smile?

fresh

It's 2005 and yes, I continue to wait for that which will break down the shield that has crippled me from moving on to a better life, a life that may really be worth living. The very shield that I had put up to protect me from the harshness of the world around me has become the sole prison that i seek release from. It's funny how the mechanism that has guarded me for so long ended up being my greatest weakness.

The new year spells change and fresh beginnings. I believe so. And yet, here I am thinking, hoping with lack of action, wallowing in the stagnant pool that I consider as my universe. The irony. And so I swim until that which will disturb my world arrives.

Hey, don't make me wait too long... it does get tedious you know. I've been at it all my life.

i am the dandy

Most of us feel trapped within the limited roles that the world expects us to play. We are instantly attracted to those who are more fluid that we are - those who create their own persona. Dandies excite us because they cannot be categorized, and hint at a freedom we want for ourselves. They play with masculinity and femininity; they fashion their own physical image, which is always startling. Use the power of the Dandy to create an ambiguous, alluring presence that stirs repressed desires.

Symbol: The Orchid. Its shape and colour oddly suggest both sexes, its odour is sweet and decadent - it is a tropical flower of evil. Delicate and highly cultivated, it is prized for its rarity; it is unlike any other flower.

What Type of Seducer are You?

once again, i find myself in a box.

sick

When you think of your past love, you may view it as a failure.
But when you find a new love, youview the past as a teacher.
In the game of love, itdoesn't really matter who won or who lost.
What is important is you know when to hold on and when to let go.
You know you really love someone when you want him or her to be happy.
Even if their happiness means that you're not part of it.
Everything happens for the best.
If the person you love doesn't love you back, dont be afraid to love someone else again, for you'll never know unless you give it a try.
You'll never love a person you love unless you risk for love.
Love strives in hurting.
If you don't get hurt, you don't learn how to love.
Love doesn't hurt all the time, though the hurting is still there to test you, to help you grow.
Don't find love, let love find you.
That's why it's called falling in love because you don't force yourself to fall.
You just fall.
You cannot finish a book without closing its chapters.
If you want to go on, then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages.
Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress.
It is a lifetime venture in which we are always learning, discovering and growing.
The greatest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go.
We lose someone we love only when we are destined to find someone else; one who can love us even more than we can love ourselves.
On falling out of love, take some time to heal and then get beckon the horse.
But don't ever make the same mistake of riding the same one that threw you the first time.
To love is to risk rejection; to live is to risk dying, to hope is to risk failure.
But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
To reach for another is to risk involvement, to expose your feelings is to expose your true self.
To love is to risk not to be loved in return.
How to define love: fall but do not stumble, be constant but not too persistent, share and never be unfair, understand and try not to demand, hurt but never keep the pain.
Love is like a knife.
It can stab the heart or it can carve wonderful images into the soul that always last for a lifetime.
Love is supposed to be the most wonderful feeling.
It should inspire you and give you joy and strength.
But sometimes the things that give you joy can also hurt you in the end.
Loving people means giving them the freedom who they choose to be and where they choose to be.
For all the heartaches and the tears, for gloomy days and fruitless years, you should give thanks for you know, that they were the things that have helped you grow.
Loving someone means giving him the freedom to find his way.........whether it leads towards you or away from you. ....
Love is a painful risk to take but the
risk must be taken no matter how scary or painful, for only then that you'll experience the fullness of humanity and that is love.
Only love can hurt your heart, fill you with desire, and tear you apart.
Only love can make you cry and only love knows why.
If you're not ready to cry, if you're not ready to take the risk, if you're not ready to feel the pain, then you're not ready to fall in love.
There was a time in our lives when we became afraid to fall in love.
Because every time we do, we get hurt.
We fall out of love but it's unfair not 2 give love another chance.
B4, it may hurt but this time, it may be the kind of love that is meant 4 us...
The love that may last 4ever....
The love that will bind two hearts 2gether and give pure joy to 2 souls longing 4 each other....
Now, tell me...are u in love?

---

Whoever wrote this is a sure romantic. and no im not in love but it is tempting... I just found it funny how people can be this.. romantic. well for the one who wrote this, good for you! I might as well be realistic and drop this nonsense. Bah! love is a waste of energy and time.

Woe is me. I have lost passion.

insomnia

yippee!! it's exactly 2:59am in my clock and i'm still up. im too bored to sleep and im too tired to do anything but waste time. im not moving any bit on the positive.

factors:

it sucks hurting people when not meaning to. and when i do hurt people on purpose i feel less burdened, amused even. release. the irony of things.

a lot of things have been dragging me to their own ends.. i dont know wether they're pulling me toward the right or wrong direction. im in such a bind and i feel so helpless. and yet, i dont want to do anything about it.

im so detached from my former self. is this a good thing or a bad thing? can it be both? ack! it's tearing me apart. i dont know how to react. i feel.. helpless and it sickens me.

being weak sucks. but wearing a mask and acting as if ur under control is worse. it was never my intention to pull people down with me. it may have given me this sense of controlling the wheel but it demanded a huge amount of responsibility.. with what, i dont know. im not good with responsibilities. im not good with commitments. im not good with anything but slowing people down so i can feed off their youth.. their innocence.. their sincerity.. it nourishes me.

i am losing my favourite game. and what's worse is, nobody's there to see me fall.

hmmm.. and i just realized that insomnia can be contagious.

oh well.. im back. back to pretending as if everything's fine.. when it's not. find me

missing

I want to keep this blog thing going on but I just don't know what to put in here. I'm just whiling away my time aimlessly, hoping I'll find myself in a place where I don't have to aggravate the tediousness. I sorely miss an intelligent conversation. Anybody up for the challenge? It has been an unproductive day, heck everyday of my life is. This covers up everything I have to say at the moment. I lack motivation so let me get some.