~come into my life so i can see

hello hello 2006!!!! this is a better year opener for me since last year's was a bit gloomy, it RAINED! imagine that.

i dont think i was able to meet my 2005 resolutions... but those were pretty deep conditions man. hahahahahaha.. this time i'll try harder!

my new year's resolution: ill be a BETTER good boy this year. nyahahahaha, talk about being specific. wehehehe... it's best to keep it at that to avoid getting jinxed. :P

as for em bitches... good riddance! >:P

basta, ill follow this up with my personal review of 2005 soon.

its 1:22am and i'm off to city hall with my cousins... dragon mode. orange peel lami! sayonara!
Akemashite Omedetou Gozaimasu!

splock

gecko, gecko on the wall, who's the splockest of them all?

wahahahahahaha... we just had our family reunion last night and as usual, your good host was wasted. naks! no surprise eh? :D but that wouldnt have happened because at first, the oldies didnt want the younglings to drink. in the end, our puppy dog faces finally got the best of em so they offered us a variety of drinks, whisky, wine, beer, blahblahblah... but i just had to butt in and say "tanduay lang!" that's when the fun fun fun started. by 1am almost everybody in the beach house was drunk! aunts, uncles, and cousins minus the wee ones ofcourse. this time around, we had youngblood enter the inner circle of the cousinhood, igi. naks... i wasnt even able to act up when he got drunk since all eyes were set on his histrionics. leche! pabadlong! my appetite for dancing (which surfaces when i'm tipsy) was sated with my partner in crime, shansui. dirty dancing AS USUAL. nyehehehe... twas a great reunion with videosinko, foodies, liquor (cant party without it), gifts, blahblahblah! i even got p100 for singing! yahoo! at least that compensated the sad fact that i didnt get a gift... i'm too old for presents daw... NO, i didnt get the horse i asked them to give me... impractical daw! aah leche!! i'll buy myself a gift with that P100! bleh!

~how much is that horsie in the window?

oh i miss my cousins and the beach house already. huhuhu...

oh well, one more booze session with HS classmates this 28... fock! mercy on my frail, frail digestive system! this better be an exciting reunion. leche.

HAPPY XMAAAAAAAAAS!!! oi gift ko! yahoooooooooooo...

oh well...

and this is my make-shift pleading look (i dont have a suitable picture.. demn!). convincing? *evil grin* won't u give me a gift for christmas? i'll be willing to accept anything you hafta give me till december 23 next year! but that doesnt include my birthday.. that'll be another present. weeew! :P merry xmas!!!!! wahoooo!!

hohumming

The Bottom Line

Charm can move mountains -- try it today and see. Be flattering, flirty and funny.
In Detail

You can certainly use your charm to get what you want, but what about what the other person wants? If you have to work some kind of magic to get them where you want them, perhaps you ought to also take into account where they truly want to be. Putting your self-interest aside will allow you to get a clearer idea of the bigger picture, and it'll help you to do the right thing -- which feels best in the end.
--------

i got your horoscope for you and this one's a no-brainer. it's almost christmas so work your magic baby, and if i'm that spellbound, i'll grab a ribbon and ship myself straight to your doorstep. that is, if you want me to. evul. :P

unplanned excercise

The Bottom Line

Remember, you can always rely on friends for support. They're ready and waiting.

In Detail

The connections you have with others are of particular importance at the moment -- the energy you get from the people in your life is both supportive and restorative. Keeping those connections alive and prosperous is something you can put your famous organizational ability toward with incredible results now. Reach out and touch people by sending cards, making calls and generally brightening days in a methodical way.
====

i went out with my psychofriends earlier, and i'm ashamed to say this but... i got tipsy with just one pocket size sr. tanduay! leche! shame on me! how tipsy you ask... let's just say that i lost my orientation when it came to restrooms! grrrrrrr... twas a good thing that mars was the only person who caught me in "there." embarassing moment #1000001

our session ended early and i moved on to my next set of pals, my superfriends! for starters, we found ourselves in a cafe and had our fill of caffeine and since we thought the night was dragging on a phlegmatic pace, we decided to check out the rave party in our city's most renowned club. indeed, the place was booming with techno beats... what joy for the vampireboy! but my friends werent as enthusiastic... hehehehe... in the end, we all got on the dancefloor, convinced that our p100 entrance wouldve been a waste if we simply lounged.

the most interesting thing that happened while there was the dirty dancing contest! nyati! these 25-something-looking-women were getting their groove on stage... flashing underwears (and the stretch marks that line their curves... wehehehe), teasing the crowd with their sensual/sexual dance moves, etc. it was an onstage show of inhibited masturbation. hehehehe... but it was fun nonetheless... well, the lady who won was actually the contestant i least expected to win because she wore a plain-looking ensemble... and yet, she proved me wrong with her freaky dancing, red lace bra, and black bikini. leche nga babae! astig! right after the awarding, we danced a bit and moved on to our next destination... KARAOKE! wahooo!

when we got to this karaoke joint, we only lingered a bit because the place was packed with oldies and paid-for-looking young men and women. ehehehe... no offense meant to my dear brothers and sisters, but i wouldnt want to be branded as one o' em. im just a vampireboy, no more, no less. nyati!

we drove up to city hall... there, we talked a bit bout grown-up stuff like, nmat, future plans, after-grad employment, reunions, and ofcourse what convo can ever miss the mushiest/cheesiest topic, LOVE! yak! i wanted to puke but i had no excuse because i wasnt that intoxicated. leche!

after that, we drove to our friend's house and ate embotido and empanada. i skipped dinner so i was darn hungry! leche... i gobbled most of it but they didnt seem to notice. hihihihi... just when i was about to go home the stupid car wouldnt start! the battery went dead! lecheeeeeeeeeee... i was forced to go home on foot @ 3am with no jeepneys in site! what if hoodlums hung about? or holduppers? or rabid dogs? or perverts? or barangay tanods who might think i was on high? the horror!!!! i would be able to fend them off if i had already mastered my dark powers but i'm still a fledgling creature of the night. that's why they call me vampireboy because im still young relative to my brethren. but i had no choice, i had to be a brave vampireboy so i jogged (almost 1 kilometer) back home. i jogged with an unsteady pace since there were times when i ran like crazy in the sign of impending danger. cockroaches for that matter! leche!!! why do they have to fly when i'm around! curse roaches! grrrr... thankfully, i got home safe and sound without one roach landing on me! phew! and here i am, writing down this entry that's generally filled with crap. you must be really bored getting this far huh? bleh! hehehehehe... it's 4:59am, i should sleep now. i have an activity to attend to at around 6am. sheeet. let's morning the night my arse! leche! sayonara!

PS: SHANA!!! sakit pa gihapon tong pinaakan nimo! lecheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

when

i can no longer find the shooting stars and pale hearts that only show their form to us. dragon's breath dont mean much when i'm not with you. why the distance? drink and find yourself here, with me. but when?

listen.

every idle minute i waste on you.

naunsa

my friends were talking about animals, particularly on the most dangerous snakes that ever existed. they went on yammering about their favourites like cobras, anacondas, pythons, etc.. until one claimed that nothing can beat the rattler. my ears suddenly perked up and i just had to butt in with a snicker. even rattlers can fall victim to other animals! king snakes in particular specialize on eating rattlesnakes! duh!!!!! but i just kept silent right after.. hahay.. ignoramus.

see? even predators can become prey. hahay.. ohmygoodiesfockyoumeandeveryone!

wasted

my cousin shansui celebrated her bday on 12/9/05 and boy, it sure is a date to remember. well, we went out with fellow cousins and several friends. as usual, the evening wouldnt be complete without liquor so we bought two bottles of cheap tequila and 2 litres of tanduay. bliss. to end the long story short, we ALL got drunk. it was a puke fest of sorts. we were all crazy that fateful night errr early morn.. shansui was on bite mode (OUCH!), ellen and louie almost did "it" (almost because shansui caught them before the miracle could happen), rubi made passes at ish (kinky/funny!), we had dennis and josh liplock for 5 seconds(haha!), and gicer was giggling like a hyena all through out (annoying, really). leche.. almost everyone was horny. WICKED! twas a good thing that i was able to focus my drive on the toilet alone. now, they call me the toilet-seat kisser, fock! but it would've been another story if i wasnt able to control myself.. i'm a good vampireboy, still. congratulate me. hehehe..

blahblah

The Bottom Line

A former foe is suddenly quite compatible with you ... don't question their motives.

In Detail

The resolution to a work issue may be much closer than you think. Some lightning-fast reasoning on your part, in addition to the longer-term analysis you've been conducting, could lead to a real breakthrough right now. The way you communicate about it is key, however; rather than introducing your big idea off the bat, engage the parties involved in open-ended conversation. Asking a question is better than making a statement.
-------
haha! funny! errrr...

you're starting to slow down. when this will end (and i know it will), don't make this anticlimactic for me, please.

9pm

to cut the long story short... the motorcycle i was driving skidded in a curb and now i have scratches and bruises everywhere! fock! it was going smoothly, i daresay, up until the drive home that is! trauma? nope nope nope.

big thanks to Him for not giving me and my passenger more than the minor injuries we attained.

i'll drive more carefully next time. leche!

make me feel better, please.. please..

smokey

i tried to stop the dragon spirit from taking me over.. its been five days (i think.. lost count) and i broke it off earlier. hohum, i cant help it.. it keeps on calling out to me. lecheng cig. i need to fly! fly! and ride on a magic dragon..

~Puff, the magic dragon, lived by the sea and frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah lee..

i love that song. i still sing it on videoke/karaoke/magicsing. hahay.. poor Puff.. why'd he hafta be so stuck on Johnny Paper anyway? all that brat ever did was ride on his back and make a slave out of poor Puff. he should've eaten Johnny before he managed to "leave."

lesson learned: beware of dragons, in general. good thing Johnny crossed upon the dupe-able Puff, coz if it were another dragon, he's toast! grrrrrrr.. i know Puff's dragon brothers will avenge him.. rip that Johnny Paper into shreds and make human curry out of him. leche.

fock. im ranting again. maybe its the dragon spirit, maybe im just pissed, maybe i wet my pants again, or maybe i got a thorn stuck on my toe! take it out little miceS scuttling about my room! leche mo! useless..

i should sleep.. maybe there i'll find a magic dragon or miceS that wont reserve their thorn-pulling skills on lions. Sayonara, O-yasumi nasai, yoi yume o!

alcohol aftershock

please tell me this isn't what i think it is.

shit. addict. shit.

this should never have happened.

this isnt right.

i wont talk. i wont make a sound, not even a squeak.

i musn't let them know that i'm weak.

linger on.

i will purge you soon.

leche.

when?

virgohoro - 11.30.05

The Bottom Line

You've tested the waters long enough -- it's time to delve deep and go for a swim.

In Detail

On the one hand, you're still willing to be patient. On the other hand, you're feeling a bit like Mt. Etna on a bad day. Whether you explode or not is one thing -- but it's definitely time to let your family members see exactly how much fire you can spout. This little-known secret about you is one that you might want to share now: You have one heck of a temper. It doesn't show up much -- but when it does, stand back.

tanduay for dinner

yet again, yesternight was one of those spur-of-the-moment booze sessions and i got drunk BIG TIME. sheeet, i knew i should have eaten more than a measly burger! i have a so-so alcohol tolerance.. a good meal could have veered me away from intoxication. if you're wondering what happened, well not much.. my head was spinning so fast and it felt like the whole world fell on me. i puked! but this time, i knew better than dumping it on myself.. wehehehehehehe.. leche. i never expected id go down, and when it was time to go home, i almost slept in this waiting shed. leche. shame shame shame. and because i was too weak, when i pissed, i wet my pants a bit. demn. it would have been alright if no one was there but then, my nosy neighbors came around.. sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. imagine how my good (hehe) image will be ruined if word of that particular misdemeanor spread. i am sooooooooo.. reckless. careless. this shouldnt happen again. demn. im afraid im going way overboard. this must stop... after saturday. wehehehehehehehehe.. when will i ever learn?

cousins

i miss:
*bumpcars - we pummeled our opponents. yebah!
*P150 allowance - had the best fun with just that amount of money
*the phony sleep-walking - stabbing totie with that huge comb
*that broken camera - how we fooled the professional skaters into doing stunts for us
*my white miceS - vetsu, shatsu, zatsu, etc. and how we fed them to my cat jurassic
*bath time - as we took turns neath the shower
*hitchhiking - especially when we rode that drunken driver's truck. hahaha
*rollerskating - speed-skating inside krys' cramped sala
*early morning hikes - wearing pajamas and filthy slippers
*crocodiles - what would it be like swimming with that grown carnivore?
*ilang-ilang (pagadian) - when we pretended it was betty's bday . hahaha..
*the beach - we molded rubi with sand mermaid fins
*patintero - my team always won! hahaha..
*late night talks - revelations.
*card games - 1,2,3 pass.. uling! hahahaha..
*x-mas carolling - it was dec 28 yet we managed to take home around P1000. lol.
*my grandparents - lola's singkamas (kindness) and lolo's stories (brilliance)
*everything.

it's 4:13am, i should sleep. childhood, i wish you back.

this is just perfect...

Do do do, do do do
Do do do, do do do

When boys are just eleven
They begin to grow in height at a fast rate than they have done before
They develop curiosity and start to fantasize
About the things they have never thought of doing before
These dreams are no more harmful than
The usual thoughts that boys have of becoming football stars or millionaires
As long as the distinction between fantasy and fiction remains
It's just a nature walk

It's just the facts of life
There's no master plan
Walk me home from school
I'll let you hold my hand
You're getting ideas
And when you sleep at night
They develop into sweet dreams
It's just the facts of life

A boy sits by the telephone, wanting to call a girl
But not daring to because she might say no
At last he summons up the courage phones
And discovers someone else has asked her first and she's said yes
Now's time to deal with the fear of being rejected
No-one gets through life without being hurt
At this point the boy who's listening to this song
Is probably saying it's easier said than done and it's true

It's just the facts of life
There's no master plan
Walk me home from school
I'll let you hold my hand
You're getting ideas
And when you sleep at night
They develop into sweet dreams
It's just the facts of life

Do do do, do do do
Do do do, do do do

Small-town dating differs from more urban situations
In particular if there's few places to go
Adolescents normally gather in a cafe or an arcade
If they have to almost anywhere will do
A family car, a disused coalmine
A rowing boat or a shed
Experimentation, familiarization
It's all a nature walk

It's just the facts of life
There's no master plan
Walk me home from school
I'll let you hold my hand
You're getting ideas
And when you sleep at night
They develop into sweet dreams
It's just the facts of life
----

Black Box Recorder - Facts of Life

whores of wednesday

sai AKA a.w. - the stariray (how annoying) i hate wanting you!
ods AKA a.h. - big bad meanie nobody's-spared-from-her-wrath queen of comebacks!
lu AKA p.p. - mastermind!
borj AKA q.c. - hyper go-go dancer! lol.
tunac AKA s.p. - sane sane sane gunner!
roky AKA b.g. - bodyguard/serious jester!
lala AKA h.s. - ever absent yet still present!
eg AKA t.d. - director!
elf truly AKA s.b. - certified dork/yuppie-lookin!
others AKA t.r. - the rest.. wahaha!

sembreak 2005 = english-yappin, beer drinking, joyriding, ledge dancing, videoke singing, isaw-puking, crazy stalking, tapsilog hunting, speed yo-ing, high flying (more like slippin on one's vomit), horny badmouthing, sexy dancing(?), i love you-ing, failed badminton attempts, nerd night outs and so much more. pffffffft... good ol' days. even if it meant bad luck on my part, the fun fun fun more than compensates for it!

quoting sai, "i love you guys, forever and ever and ever always.." bwahahaha.. over OA. leche.

ciao now

"Every little thing that you say or do
I'm hung up
I'm hung up on you
Waiting for your call
Baby night and day
I'm fed up
I'm tired of waiting on you"

~you heard that right! (never thought that there'd be a mahorna song that i can relate to) please, dont even bother coz it wont make much difference. i've decided, and there's no changing it.. unless ofcourse.. waha.. really, i quit. i've no time to subject myself to ur dullness and alibis. this might not reach u or u myt think im referrin to another person, i really dont care. call me close-minded, AGAIN - i DONT care. itll be clear soon enough. oh well, sayonara!

i'll give this a shot

waaaaaaaaaah... why am i soooo green-minded these past few days? tubag doo! hehehehe... help. that didnt come out so sincere huh? sheeet. im having too much fun. but im not into whatever it is u readers are thinking.. *evil grin* that is if anyone bothers to read my wretched blog.

do u think the teachers in hogwarts hold a spell to "cure" libog? heck no! (wouldnt want them to have a cure either. wen will we ever read an HP book that's really really "action-packed?" wahoooo) i bet they welcome the "mood," strengthen it, even! and why did i come to this generalization? because i'll be watching HP4's premiere this wednesday! (am i making sense? tubag doo! lol) i cant wait! i pray this'll be a better movie than HP3. darnit! and to think HP3 was my fave book in the series.. what a downer. basta for goblet.. expect the worst and hope for the best. wahoo! ang korni. leche. yes, i swear this much! leche.

oh oh oh, i read madonna's book entitled sex.. twas a damn perverted read. perverted but yummy. shit im no pervert, i swear! (uuuuy, defensive) its just exciting to see a diva toying around with models in scandalous positions. and the lines there were pretty liberating, relative to madonna. there was no real sex there, just mahorna showing off her "erogenous zones." that woman has assets. demn.

come to think of it, the moomoo surfaced after i read the book! *realization* leche... wat a shallow cause... but moomoo doesnt come out after having absorbed sleazy porn-worthy material! yak. there has to be a deeper explanation! brainstorm take me away from the norm.. hahay..

this ermmm... phase will subside soon. it must, or doo and the rest will have to suffer under the moomoo's wrath. scary huh?

i'm tired talking as if i'm doin a monologue.. hahay leche.. sayonara. *flips thru the book again*

samana

had my fill of ale last night. it was no longer fun. hahay... on a happier note, my booze-bud puked. waha! twas fun watching her strain under her stomach's fierce protest to let out every last morsel of that food-beer mush. after that, i got back home and, slept. hahay.. not even alcohol and dreams can save me now i guess. i am human and i need to be.. blank. :P

virgohoro

The Bottom Line:

Things will make sense, just look at the details. The answers are hidden there.

In Detail:

While you have the chance, better plan a totally unexpected, totally impromptu evening alone with your sweetheart, because the way things are shaping up, you may not have that chance again for a bit. A startling -- no amazing and astounding -- message is en route, and you'll have absolutely no idea how good the content of that message will be until it reaches you. Just for now, keep it under wraps. You'll have plenty of time to brag once it's official.

-----
errrr... come out, come out wherever you are. *sighs*

weeeh

is it my birthday? yahoo! and tomorrow will just be another day.. :(

if only life had reruns

walking past each other you said hello.
with enough courage i spun around
only to muster a faint smile,
and speed away the opposite direction.
you made me feel things i never did,
as if the sky fell hard on me.

its been two weeks since that sunday,
if only gravity held us down
we wouldn't have flown away.

my mind's been on maximum overdrive
so forgive me and my wild imaginings but
i want to drive you away,
i want to share my bench with you,
i want to take you on top of that little hill,
i want you to shake my dreams,
i want you to inhale the breath that reads your name,
i want us to watch the ancient stars explode.

i know i'm pushing my luck but i want you.
don't make me go home just yet, please.
i love you.
i'm not even sure...
but i'm intoxicated by you.

this is for you stranger...
until our next beautiful collision.

lu

beautiful as she is, sadness never spares her. this being the very reason why she continues to be excitable - always flitting to fight her very opponent, ennui. she is gifted with an unwarranted degree of enlightenment but she whispers to you her wicked schemes all in the service of sorting out the ambiguity of life. still in her orchid cocoon, she will bloom soon.

you are the sprite, rapidly zipping about from one fantasia to another. we all anticipate the realization of your beautiful dreams.. only then will mundania cease to subsist and this sphere will become plump with your magic.

live yourself a fairytale and let it be one of the few remaining stories worth talking over a cup of chocolate in a dismal cafe.

the world will forever be yours to pepper with your fairy dust my dear pixie.

:)

my biorhythm's high.. the sky's perfect, with the moon smiling down at me and the stars singing me a symphony of light. this is too much. come and have some..

open-letter

ms. wind,

you once ran through the recesses of the dense leaves that hang just above my window. i can never forget how you sang for me. every night you did in my slumber. you sang in a variety of ways - soft, haunting, deafening, troubling, all intense, never failing to drown me into the depths of my unconscious. but as of late, you are still and i sleep with silent dreams as i long for your majesty.
i yearn for your songs! remember how you hauntingly carressed the leaves, and that rhythmic banging as you rattled the branches on the glass panels? i miss how you toyed with my thoughts and how you masterfully played the trees that loom close by. i miss how you touched me and swallowed me whole with your howling.
where is your touch? your voice? your power? i beg of you to grace me with your beauty. sing me your songs and once again, bring me to reverie because only then can i forget the insincerity of my dreams.
i miss you.

dreamer

happy birthday

i'm happy. if only i could wrap it around my fingers.. keep it there and make it last forever. i love u guys.. i know.. i'm at my crummiest every 12th of september.

lifeboat

after all our dreams went down
sinking for our very eyes
still echoing the sound
oh the frozen dreadful cries

witnessed the passing of our only loves
lose a barrel to the sea
why did you choose my only love
it could of easily been me

but it seems there was some other plan
one i don't care to understand
in the refuge of these foreign arms
i could find your holy land

how can it be that we defy this tragedy
from this lifeboat in the dark
is it wrong that we could come together
wind and sorrow bear a spark

in our soul and desperation
truest thing we'd ever known
but to admit that to have loved, would be blasphemy
just to show we had our ground

----
Lovage

I can manage with just an inner tube, thank you.

greenish

i'm so miserable. my throat's parched, my eyes burn, my nose is very much like a leaking pipe, and my cough sounds like that of a lion choking on a zulu man's head. just when i thought things cant get any worse, i got slapped in my hiney with a post-it which read "IT WILL" in big, bold letters. readying for a semi-autonomous, convulsive expulsion of air from the nose, in the hopes of letting it out in full force AND only to reach a faint sniffle(!?!) is utter TORMENT! not that i feel much but it's the worst physical sensation i've ever felt! next to that is having to swallow a large-volume of congested phlegm in my mouth.. arrrrrrr.. help. *gulp*

finish your papers

look at the universe and take out a slice. yes, you're still an inconsequential part of that chunk of matter. think for a moment and detach yourself from the whole. see yourself in a non-pluralized level. grow bigger than the space given you. gestaltism doesn't work.
the only thing stopping you now from superceding the universe are your pesky assignments. tiny steps boy, steady steps.

yo sai

intrigued.

ethereal visage
deep scarlet eyes
delicate lifeless hands
fangs of ivory
immortal.

cast your spell
enthrall me
hold me
bite me
let me live eternal under the dark of night.

please. your kiss is all it takes to lead me to damnation.

panic

I jumped in and a blast of humid air greeted my descent. Walking away from where I fell, I pushed forward, fully aware that there's no turning back. I mindlessly followed the yellowish glow that hovered ahead of me and along it's path, dark figures took form - skulls, snakes, webs and spiders. The shadows toyed with my imagination. Faster and faster, the light sped forth. Excited, I quickened my pace. Not fast enough. I stopped to breathe hard but a nauseating plethora of strange scents deterred me from doing so. Falling short on breath, I took my time, slowly advancing deeper into the darkness, unfazed. With every step, the walls pushed down on me, up until I was on all fours, with my face close to the ground. Up, down, up, down, i climbed. Drained of energy and drenched in my own sweat, panic finally hit me with its lethal blow. It pushed me to surrender as I lay there, frozen. Trapped. And yet down to my very last breath, I knew there was hope and it didnt take long for my silent prayer to be answered. As if on cue, that familiar glow materialized and washed away the fear that surfaced in its absence. Saved, i lurched straight towards it. But no matter how hard I tried to get close, it just floated on, oblivious of my eager pursuit. That went on and on until a fierce light swallowed us both.

It's official, I'm a cave-crawler.

the greatest of fools

finding convenience in what's convenient for someone else is madness so why compromise? simply because you are compelled to, as if the universe itself pushes you to know what it means to be human in its very essence.
resist or fight if you must but in time you will become one with the rest of them, fools. but there are greater fools, those who do not see the arrows sticking out of their shell. the greatest of which, runs all the while knowing its bound to get caught. that's who i am.
will i tire of this you ask? will i sip that dreaded cup of insanity just like the rest of them?
not just yet.

ice

i want crystals to fall and shatter on the ground as the cold eats away at my bare feet. when?

feeling

    who says im not capable? i see it all too often without having to be inside the bubble and that alone makes me a candidate for having an unbiased opinion. phenomology. give me some credit. but then again, i want to understand, and to fully understand one must experience. so let me be a hypocrite in saying this, i want to be biased.
    when will i ever give myself the chance to be irrational and lose my struggle for rationality? to subject myself to the rawest of its forms, surrender, and ultimately revel in emotions.

clarity

*i live.

*sun shines brightly and he sees me flash with a light that rivals his own.

*happy for finding me ablaze neath his joyous warmth, he persuades me to burn with as much intensity as he has, free with but one limit.

*i oblige, so i play, i laugh, i dance, i sing, with a smile plastered on my face.

*farewell and he's off to places faraway.

*now moon flies, i stop.

*no more games, laughter, dances, songs or smiles to show.

*in deep contrast to the ebony sky, i simply stare up at her, feeling her peaceful glow . . . because she allows me to.

*grinning, she sees through me, knowing my heart yearns for more.

*she offers me illumination and how i wish that this'll be forever but she dives back beneath the waves.

*i twitch for sun comes.

*i ready myself to please him.

*he lets me do all, except for one . . . i want to look up but cannot.

*i once did in a past forgotten, and he punished me for my defiance.

*i cede yet eager for moon to rise because however fierce he blazes, his radiance doesn't compare to hers.

*as always i laugh, i dance, i sing, i smile . . . with my lifeless eyes and shadowed heart.

*satisfied, he leaves.

*moon rises and with her faint luminosity, i see and feel again . . .

*she grins and i answer with a deep gaze, happy.

faith

x: u think He'll approve of that? i mean, we’ve asked a lot of things from Him and He always answers them.. and here i am, stretching my limit, wanting to commit more mistakes. dont u find me such an ingrate?

y: NO. definitely not. the nature of man is something scholars have defined using their own God-given reason to set bounds and limits to the world, to put a formula to the mystery of life, to make it sound simpler and to reduce it to predictability and simplicity in spite of its true complexity

x: does that make me free to run out of pure impulse?

y: WHAT REALLY MATTERS is how you deal with others. i am an idealist, as i've told u before, and not...basta, the one who learns and thinks by experience. i still believe in experience though but i believe that God judges us by our deeds and actions, but what we believe we have contributed and what we believe we have sacrificed for his sake. by what.. no human definition or description can match the power of the human spirit :) believe that you are good :)

x: true, but then again, people have been defined and squished to a sorry pulp. if what u say is right, then why am i unsure that ill be satisfied with the outcome? it might just open up a pandora's box of trouble and ill be dealing with a new set of harsher/tougher problems

y: coz u havent let go of society's chauvinism. its like being tied down by material possessions. after all, those are still concerns of the earthly world. think beyond the textbook and into the bible where all good deeds flow

x: how can one be good when people will ultimately judge him evil? what is one’s worth if he is unappreciated? i mean how can i compensate for my weaknesses? what can i do? who can i be? when im just me..

y: u always think too much. your concerns will eat u alive. why not let go of those WHAT IFs coz none of them are certain namn and jst live your life the way you want to. life is too short and sweet to be wasted worrying bout others. think of it as another ordinary defect. If there’s somebody ugly in the world, well, that's ur defect coz it makes u imperfect for some but totally lovable for everyone else. no one's perfect and u cnt please everyone. the least u could do is be the most adorable friend, anak, mentor, being. In the deed sense ah..

x: yeah... i should know my parameters, what I’m capable of and work out from there. make the best out of what's been given me. but i want much. This might just be my crappiest period.

y: hehe.. what's with the crappy mood? u got other problems?

x: well, i cant pick them apart!

y: we all have our selfish motives but too much ambition at the wrong time might leave us racing for nothing. well how bout loving urself FIRST. it always starts with that :)

x: how can i do that when i find myself LACKING?

y: hehe :) but really, i dnt knw why u are who you are, the same way i am who i am. i see my flaws and acknowledge them. but ive long accepted that i am too loved and blessed by God to magnify what i lack rather than count what i have abounding. when God makes his list, it wnt have popular belief in the criteria. jst u and Him

x: wer are u getting all this?

y: FAITH :) one only needs faith to believe. when u come to think of it, when u put God in the center of your life, things jst fall into perspective coz he gives no reason for pessimism and he is the reason for a good life. so u up to smiling na and living your life with a brighter perspective? :)

x: i have been doing that! in fact i wake up everyday thanking Him without fail. for very shallow reasons but im very thankful.. i have HIM to thank for getting me this far even though i feel like im spiraling down cynicism

y: which should stop you from worrying coz u have more to be grateful for :)

x: like what? Lol dont know what's been keepin me up. Oh, there's you for one! But i dont think i have a steady support system to begin with soooooooo thank u for bearing with me

y: that you got a good family, friends, a full stomach, the stuff you want, the opportunity to watch tv, laugh at jokes, go out at night, even see the city which not everyone gets to see (even i miss it)

x: hahahaha... one will only know wat's truly beautiful when it's no longer there

y: exactly. its all opportunity cost. if you gain some you lose some :) you cnt have the world u know

blabber

the clouds will part to answer my prayer.

on that day, i will know who you are.

the perfect mate for my soul.

fly

Don't give me any worth. Don't hold me important. Don't find me valuable. I am of no significance to you.

You don't see me. I'm just a gust of wind that's out to make it's presence felt even for just a moment, knowing that it won't make a lasting impression. Ever fleeting, never permanent. You can't touch me. I'm not even here. I fly, now goodbye.

killer

For the sake of being righteous you jump into this hole thinking its the best thing to do, the right thing. You dig deeper, gaining momentum, the drive feeds you, that is until you realize that it isnt easy. You feel weak knowing that you cant keep at it forever, that you wish to go back with the rest of them and their passion for realizing shadowed desires. Just when you thought you should crawl back out, it dawns on you that you're way down, deep down. It falls on you like a heavy blanket, suffocating, hot, and unbearable. You squirm to break free but there's no escape. You're there disturbed and dying inside and the rest of the world doesn't seem to notice. Mute.

Abstinence kills. No wonder I'm miles beneath the ground.

heaven

First stick.
"All I want is to feel this way
To be this close, to feel the same
All I want is to feel this way
The evening speaks, I feel it say..."
There I was, up alone on a lonely hill that overlooked a small city, and those lines kept on ringing in my head. I’m not sure why my subconscious chose to sing that song but it was a clear declaration of how I wanted that moment to be.. just as it was. Solitary.
Lights down below flickered on and off as smoke billowed in front of me, teasing me to follow its flight. It was tempting but it was never my style to be that impulsive, especially when all was perfectly silent. Bliss, I thought, up until heat bit my lips. And so I took out another piece hoping that I could make it last much longer.
Second stick.
Isolation intrigues me - Not caring, not living for others, and not being entitled to protect other people's feelings but yourself. If only it was that easy, how perfect life would be for me. Distancing myself from others would save me a great deal of anxieties. That’s why I don’t blame people who chose to escape reality because it's mighty hard to keep sanity amidst mental and emotional vexation.
Vague thoughts raced round my head but a sound broke the silence of which I relished. A car driven by an old man slowly lurched towards where I was situated, deliberately disturbing my solitude. I inhaled hard to dispose of the very object that kept me from wandering off into my deepest thoughts. Finished. Displeased and wanting to leave I motioned to stand but then the car left just as sudden as it appeared. Perhaps, he too wanted seclusion. A bit annoyed of his indecisiveness, yet thankful for respecting my privacy, I sat back down and drew out another one.
Third stick.
Burn. I puffed and relaxed myself back down. I breathed in and breathed out and soon, clouds spun around my head. Now dizzy, I stared blankly at the sad night sky. There were no stars and no moon to watch over me. Not that it matters. This was what I wanted anyway. I was half-way through the so-called cancer stick when a couple riding a motorcycle parked close by. I guess I was lost in the darkness of the sky and with the smoke that playfully danced above me. I knew it was time to leave and spare myself from the mushiness this couple brought along with them. I burned out the ember and hurriedly walked past the two, wearing a complacent smile on my face, as if telling them that it was their turn to make use of my spot.
I got on the car and sped down the hill. Driving round the many hushed streets that riddled the city, I drove past men and women who must be searching for that same thing I am. Everybody shares the same dream but move towards it in different ways. I didn’t know how far or how close they were in reaching this and I never bothered to overanalyze maybe because I was too intoxicated or that I’m just plain indifferent.
As I closed in on home I felt smug knowing that I just found my own piece of heaven, with a lighter and a cigarette on that lonely hill that overlooked a small city...

stars

to A:

you are a mystery to me and I to you, complete strangers to one another. but at the back of my mind, I can feel your stare. you have piqued my interest yet i know it's best to leave things as they are. deadlocked by distance, restrained by doubt. for what it's worth, let it remain etched in the midnight sky among stars. you may not see it my way... but i hope you comprehend.

i am left in the middle. and i opt to stay that way. regret is imperative but i only wish to save you from my frustrations. i would be lying if i said i had no intentions of gving it a shot, and in truth i want to try but trying might only push me deeper into hopelessness. i pray that the fates be good to you and that you might fare better than i have.

Only When I Sleep

You're only just a dreamboat
Sailing in my head
You swim my secret oceans
Of coral blue and red
Your smell is incense burning
Your touch is silken yet
It reaches through my skin
And moving from within
It clutches at my breast


But it's only when I sleep
See you in my dreams
You got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But I only hear you breathe

Somewhere in my sleep
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But its only when I sleep


And when I wake from slumber
Your shadow's disappear
Your breath is just a sea mist
Surrounding my body
I'm workin' through the daytime
But when it's time to rest
I'm lying in my bed
Listening to my breath
Falling from the edge
But it's only when I sleep


See you in my dreams
You got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But I only hear you breathe

Somewhere in my sleep
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But its only when I sleep
It's only when I sleep


Up to the sky
Where angels fly
I'll never die
Hawaiian High
In bed I lie
No need to cry
My sleeping cry
Hawaiian High


It's reaching through my skin
Movin' from within
Clutches at my breasts
But it's only when I sleep....


See you in my dreams
You got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But I only hear you breathe

Somewhere in my sleep
Got me spinning round and round
Turning upside-down
But its only when I sleep


Up to the sky
Where angels fly
I'll never die
Hawaiian High
In bed I lie
No need to cry
My sleeping cry
Hawaiian High


~I heard this from some crummy internet cafe. It's the song that best describes how I feel at this moment minus the "clutching" part. :P

Why

I was sitting beside Y-U on a pile of bricks (How unromantic, I know!), and we were talking with candor. It felt good talking with Y-U, the feeling you get when you're all giddy and excited, playing with your first pet dog. When all of a sudden the atmosphere got all cheesy. It wasn't long until Y-U advanced into more "delicate" matters. Out of the discussion Y-U asked for a kiss. And so I complied, with force. We were both caught off-guard with what just happened but it felt good. We talked on and on until a warm gust of wind reached me. Just as I entertained the warmth, it vanished as fast as it came about, and then I opened my eyes only to find out that it was just a dream.

I know it's cheesy and it had to be the weirdest dream of my life since I first became conscious. Im clueless as to how Y-U managed to fit in and the reason why I called this person Y-U since the first question that sprang into my mind right after I woke up was "Why you?" Y-U's been out of my mind for so long and Im baffled how "this" came about. We never had a deep connection and all this time I treated Y-U as just another "friend," up until this. The scary thing is, I wanted to get back to that dream.. if only to find myself with Y-U again. I know it's close to impossible for this to happen in reality but I can't help but wonder. If only I can run back to my dreams to sate this longing.

What is my subconscious telling me? I guess the things Ive been running away from have finally caught up with me and manifested into this very dream. Strange... I dont know how to address this and all I can come up are questions. Maybe I've fooled myself all this time? Maybe I've been a hypocrite all these years? Maybe just maybe... I'm better off freeing myself from these shackles I've carried with me ever since. If only it were that easy, I would have done it a long time ago.

I wish to dream again, if only to find myself back in that same picture. Let me delve into thoughts free of worry and tensions that stem from this harsh world. I know kids are best left with this but what is there to lose if I wish for dreams to come true?

happy

we talked. we laughed. we said our goodbyes. it was tempting not to leave but i did, if only to make myself look unattached. it may be all for naught but i am happy even for just this moment . . .

Deliverance

Here you are again.
I can feel you breath down my neck.
Whispering her name while whistling those killer melodies.
You give me a face of an angel like you once had.
And I am nothing but a creature of habit running away in circles,

But I was found by this person that flew me up high.
Now I see clearly, I'm telling you to let go of me.

Now that I've found my way back home, where I belong.
No longer a slave running away in circles
because I've been found by this person, who flew me high.

Get out of my head.
Get out of my soul.
Get out my dreams.
Get out of my house.
Get out of my life.

Get out. Get out. Get out. (Repeat)
No longer a slave…

No longer a slave running away in circles
because I've been found by this person, who flew me high. (repeat)

~In love with the words that form out the feeling . . .

running

"Running"

Run
Running all the time
Running to the future
With you right by my side

Me
I'm the one you chose
Out of all the people
You wanted me the most
I'm so sorry that I'm falling
Help me up lets keep on running
Don't let me fall out of love

[Chorus:]
Running, running
As fast as we can
Do you think we'll make it?
(Do you think we'll make it?)
We're running
Keep holding my hand
It's so we don't get separated

Be
Be the one I need
Be the one I trust most
Don't stop inspiring me
Sometimes it's hard to keep on running
We work so much to keep it going
Don't make me want to give up

[Repeat chorus twice]

(The future)

[Repeat chorus]

~Where to now?

Sea of blue

I swim. Deeper into the blue that you threw me into. You gave me a headstart. I felt like I was in control, as if, I was the one driving the wheel. I loved it. You gave me the chance to taste what it was like to be mature and you taught me to take on steady strokes. I swam and I never tired of swimming, up until now.

You made me believe that i was quite the charmer, of wit and coyness, a boy. Everybody says so but when it comes from you it's "just" different, you indulged in my childishness because you saw something more than that. or was it, what you wanted me to believe? I made you think that it was all a game for me, that nothing serious will surface from this. And it was what I intended it to be, but you unknowingly changed the rules for me. I obliged and followed your stride. I had fun playing with you, and just when I thought I grew out of playing, you left. Without any explanation you left me in the very middle of things just when I was sure you'll help me across, right when I was clinging on to you to help me through this.

I was scared, puzzled, helpless. But then, I had to be strong. I met people along the way who were motivated by the same objective of finding a way across. They thought I could help them through this. They had confidence in what I could do for them, when all the while I never found that in me because I still felt like a child gripping on to an entity who's no longer there for me to look up to. I avoided forming intimate relationships with others because I didnt want to fail you, and too proud to prove to you that I could make it on my own. I was so focused on you that I lost sight of people who could've filled in the hole that you made. I hurt people even though it wasnt my real intention but I'll just have to deal with that. Let them hate me for those reasons because I know I just saved them from bigger pain, me.

I used to pity people who continue to root for their false hopes and with the way things turned out I became another one down that very list. Oh, the irony of things.

Maybe I am clinging on an empty dream one where you'll pull me out of the sea of blue you put me in to. And so here I am. Still waiting. Still swimming. Im tired but I continue to hope . . .

ire

it hurts having to hurt people. it hurts some more that they continue hurting for the love of you. how long will I get on with this? when will you find me? up until there are a host of others in my wake?

inner smile

(one, two, three, four)
Yeh, yeh
Yeh, yeh
Yeh, yeh
Yeh, yeh
Yeh, yeh
Yeh, yeh
Oh yeh

You gave me something
Like loving
And took me in so soon
You took my feelings
From nothing
Came back at noon
Just meet me
I’m ready
To show myself to you

So if I lose my patience
You must try to understand
(try to understand)
If I lose my patience
Oh yeh

Cause you make me feel
Cause you make me feel wild
You touch my inner smile
You got me in the mood
So come on and make your rule
And free me

You make my wishes
As much as
Your kisses make me blue
You’ve found my river
Now will you
Escape away too
But baby
I’m ready
I’m falling into you

So if I lose my patience
You must try to understand
(try to understand)
If I lose my patience
Oh yeh

Cause you make me feel
Cause you make me feel wild
You touch my inner smile
You got me in the mood
So come on and make your rule
And free me

Free me
Free me
Wow wow wow
Wow wow wow
Wow yeh

Cause you make me feel wild
You touch my inner smile
You got me in the mood
So come on and make your rule
And touch my inner smile

Come get my inner smile
Smile
Smile
Yeh yeh

Sometimes I need to be alone
There’s times I need for you to phone
Sometimes you make me feel so high
There’s times I ask myself why
Sometimes I need to be alone
There’s times...

---

It's just a song I'm singing. But really, who will get to touch my inner smile?

fresh

It's 2005 and yes, I continue to wait for that which will break down the shield that has crippled me from moving on to a better life, a life that may really be worth living. The very shield that I had put up to protect me from the harshness of the world around me has become the sole prison that i seek release from. It's funny how the mechanism that has guarded me for so long ended up being my greatest weakness.

The new year spells change and fresh beginnings. I believe so. And yet, here I am thinking, hoping with lack of action, wallowing in the stagnant pool that I consider as my universe. The irony. And so I swim until that which will disturb my world arrives.

Hey, don't make me wait too long... it does get tedious you know. I've been at it all my life.

i am the dandy

Most of us feel trapped within the limited roles that the world expects us to play. We are instantly attracted to those who are more fluid that we are - those who create their own persona. Dandies excite us because they cannot be categorized, and hint at a freedom we want for ourselves. They play with masculinity and femininity; they fashion their own physical image, which is always startling. Use the power of the Dandy to create an ambiguous, alluring presence that stirs repressed desires.

Symbol: The Orchid. Its shape and colour oddly suggest both sexes, its odour is sweet and decadent - it is a tropical flower of evil. Delicate and highly cultivated, it is prized for its rarity; it is unlike any other flower.

What Type of Seducer are You?

once again, i find myself in a box.